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Staring here..

I know that I haven't really updated this in a long while. I apologize. In the moments it was hard enough to survive, let alone write about it or find time to write about it.

With that said, I've told people over and over again that I'm going to write again, just not sure where to start.

So, today, I'm starting here.

My mom is terminal.  

Words that I cannot believe have to leave my mouth or my fingers.

She's been battling Ovarian Cancer for well over 10 years and this last year or 8 months+ have been just the worst.  Her body is being consumed by cancer and with every day that passes we are just another closer to losing her.

She's fought this whole time and continues to beat the odds that the doctors have placed before her. She's set goals and surpassed them and when the doctors say something, it's like she mentally tells herself that it's just NOT going to happen and she flies by those measurable items.

She's been a rock star and I have known that I get my strength from her, but after these last 10 years, plus these last 8 months.... It's confirmed that she's amazingly strong and there's no doubt that I get my strength from her and how she exhibits her ability to ALWAYS push the limits and achieve what she sets out for herself to achieve.

Currently, she's on her second phase of hospice care. They were here for a few months, she researched a drug that she wanted to try, she got off hospice care, started the drug and it was seriously MISERABLE for her.  She stopped the drug almost immediately, spent a few days in the hospital and then has hospice in place for the second time.

She's been with them now for several months and is pretty heavily medicated.  

To say it's awful is an understatement.

I'm just watching my mom die. And with every moment that I spend with her, it just becomes harder and harder to accept as a reality.

I'm not ready, but I don't want her to hold on for me. She's got to let go when she knows it's time. I don't know when that will be, but whenever it is, it's going to mess my world up royally.  I'm fearful for that day.  I dread that day with every ounce of my body.

The fact that I can say and do say that my mom is terminal is mind boggling. I hate it.

So for today, this is where I'm going to start. Because it's the most important thing in my life and if I don't document these feelings now, I'll regret it.

Life is just too short.

And cancer is just so unfair.

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