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that nightmare

Time is passing and permanent/next step decisions AREN'T being made about where our marriage is going.

Not because of anything other than HOPE....

Hope that these changes are real.  I can't deal with an act anymore.  I'm done with those fake attempts.  It just won't work for me.  I can't.

Hope that he really wants to change.  Because he's the only one that can make that decision for himself and not anyone else.

Hope that a new normal is really a possible option.  And not just a glimmer of something that will eventually be shattered and destroyed.

Hope that we could work through all of this and actually land on our feet.  But he has to want to do those things and my guidance won't help him.  He's got to want to do them on his own.  I can't help or ask or guide.  He has to do it.  Alone and with the help of God.

Hope that the narcissistic behaviors are being dealt with in positive ways and won't resurface.  With the help of prayer, guidance from his support group, his counselor and anything else that might help.

Hope that we can be a transitional generation and bounce back from what we've been taught.  We both have stories from our past that influence who we are today and why we picked one another to be with.  We have to overcome those things and work through them or there will be no transitional aspect and out children will re-create the same wheel.

Hope that the alcoholism that REIGNED and was GLORIFIED in his family would not eat him alive and continue to just guide him in the worst ways possible.  He's addressing this in a way that I never say coming and it shows me that he's able to let his guard down and have some time to deal with shame that he's carried for years.  It's interesting how alcohol can have such a terrible effect on a family... when a home saturated by it and NO ONE says a word about it but the behaviors live on FOREVER.  Sad.

Hope that the accountability people that are in touch with him are actually doing that.  And like I told them, he's not going to be the one to reach out and ask for help.  At least not now and they have to keep up on him and that means that they also have to keep themselves in check otherwise no accountability will happen.

Hope that real relationships are being made with God and men that can guide him and give him grace for the things that have been hiccups in his life.  This will take time and I know that, but the relationship has to keep building.  It's can't stop or come to a halt.  It needs to keep moving forward in some form or fashion.  No movement makes me nervous and makes me think that retreating is happening and then I start to worry about everything else.

Hope that God would show me how to love again.

Hope that I would be able to find joy in life.

Hope that I would be able to forgive.

Hope that the nightmare wouldn't continue on for the rest of my life.

Hope the nightmare would live in my past and that I would be able to move gracefully away from it... forever.

Hope that I wouldn't let it haunt me forever.

Hope that for mental health healing.

Hope for love.

Hope for grace.

Hope for permanent change.

Hope for happiness.

Hope for joy.

Hope for our marriage.

Hope.

Lots of hope.





But also....

I HOPE that I'm not letting FEAR stand in my way, too...





Fear.

Fear that I wouldn't make it out of this on my feet. But I know I would.

Fear that I'd be move unhappy without him in my life, than in my life.  And that I'd become too worried about so many more things that I wouldn't be able to control. But those things would work out and I would muddle through them.

Fear that my kids would suffer more without their parents together under one roof.  But honestly, is that really better or worse than the current situation?

Fear that I would be so alone that I wouldn't know how to adjust and I'd fall into a deeper depression.  Possible, sure.  But the support system I have, between my family and my friends... I don't believe that they would let me get there.

Fear that I would miss my kids like MAD and I wouldn't be able to get past that much. But that wouldn't happen because I would likely just adjust to that as well.  As TERRIBLE as that sounds.

Fear that financially, it would just be miserable.

Fear that I would regret leaving.

Fear that I will regret not leaving.

Fear that my kids will ask me why I didn't leave.

Fear that my kids will hate me for leaving.

Fear that we would go through all of the motions and then end up repairing what is there and actually be able to have a relationship that isn't so swayed by the past.

Fear that the positive changes and behavior adjustments wouldn't EVER outweigh the ability for FORGET the pain and suffering that got us here.

Fear that no one would ever understand why I continue to stay.

Fear that I should've left years ago.

Fear that owning shame and suffering through our marriage would push people away that have been in our lives for years. And they would push us away for a lack of understanding and God in their lives.

Fear that we would eventually get divorced down the road and think, why did we wait?!?

Fear that I would miss him like crazy.

Fear that he would get healthy and I would miss it.

Fear that I wouldn't be able to forget.

Fear that I wouldn't be able to trust.

Fear that I would continue to not be respected by him.

Fear that he would never trust me.

Fear that I would never respect him either.

Fear that we have YET to hit rock bottom.

Fear of what rock bottom really looks like.

Fear that I'm missing out on my life.

Fear of this nightmare never ending.

Fear of failing.

Fear of shame.

Fear of never knowing how to love.

Fear of never knowing what love should feel like.

Fear that I will forever be bitter and I will struggle to be better.

Fear that I will regret it all.

Lots of fear.

Fear.

Fear and hope... They are the biggest restraints in the next steps.

It's a nightmare.

A sweet friend of mine is going through something that is very much a nightmare too.  She wrote about her situation on her blog a few days ago and said something that I can't shake.  What they are going through is heavy.  And it's not over.  She said in one of her posts that someone said to her and her husband that.... "one day I think this is going to be a distant memory, something you tell your grandkids about, 'that nightmare with my (I'm inserting) my marriage for a few years in my thirties'"...

I read this and I thought... "Wow. Is that what I'm experiencing? Am I supposed to ride this out and then just talk about it like this, too? Will this really pass?  And be something that I will want to share? With my grandkids?"

I realize that our situations aren't the same, but what we are both going through ARE nightmares.  Will this storm pass and be gone forever?  Or will this one pass and another one roll through?  Will this one pass and then another arrive that won't be as easy to shake?

And what would I tell my grandkids about this nightmare?  That crap happens and it gets really bad and then it gets worse BUT... I'm here to tell you that it will all work out.  It really does. Cross my heart and hope to die, poke a needle in my eye.  Promise. But, then....


Insert FEAR here.


And then HOPE.


It's a catch 22.


And lately, all I can think about is... no matter what I choose or how I'm lead... It's going to be wrong.  I don't want it to be wrong.  I'm stuck.

I'm totally suffocated with the idea of what should be next.

I don't know what should be next.  I don't know what's the right thing to do.  I don't know what I want.

I'm so lost.

Why can't this be easy?!? I thought this was easy.

I didn't want to be with my husband anymore because of the way that our family was being run when we were together.  I didn't agree with the conflict that we were continually having.  I didn't like the way we were parenting together because there was constant conflict.

Aside from that, it wasn't a good environment for our kids and I wanted to get them removed.  I thought that if we had space, then we would be more calm and actually have time for personal growth and then that would influence our kids in the most positive way we've ever tried.

I need space.

I need some me time.

I feel suffocated.

No matter which way I turn it or look at it or flip it... It's tough.

It's not easy.

Nothing about either option is easy.

Nothing.

Both will stink and have issues and both will continue to have really hard times that will arise and I will have to work through those times.  And if they have anything to do with our kids, we will have to do that together.  If it has to do with his health or my health, we will have to address those together, because they will effect our children too.  Because of our kids, we will always be connected, whether we are married or not.  He's forever going to be in my life and won't ever just disappear.

There were lots of days where I thought about that so much.  Disappear and just leave me alone.  Please.  I'm done hearing about what's going on, who you're talking to, who you want to talk to, how you're feeling, what you want to do, what you think we need to do with the house, etc...

I feel suffocated.

And some days it just eats at me.

But...

From day one, it was implanted in my brain and memory that divorce would just not be an option.  It just wouldn't.  I remember hearing about the first divorce that I remember to happen in our family and I was just devastated. Only to realize in the later years that it was actually in more places than I knew but it just wasn't talked about. I knew that if I were going to get married that it was going to be forever and that was that.  I knew, in the very back of my head that if it really did come to that, that I would likely bend but it would have to be pretty bad.

But, what I'm struggling with and what I always continue to struggle with is... How much do I really want to take and what's going to make me really "give up" on my marriage?  And is divorce really someone giving up?  Or is that another learned feeling revolving around divorce?  And what happens after a divorce?  And will my kids really be happy with me being the strong willed mom that left their dad because of the way that our relationship panned out?

I.

Don't.

Know.

It's a nightmare.

Not one thing makes perfect sense for how the rest of my life should end up.

Not a single thing.

So, daily... I keep thinking about the HOPE and FEAR that floods my mind.

I keep HOPE close.

I keep my FEARS real.

And I pray really REALLY hard about this nightmare ending.

However, that's supposed to look.

Just end.

Please.

So that the distant past can grow....

And we can start facing the shame that surrounds our marriage...

And so we can start telling people how it all ended up for us.

Thus, having the nightmare end...

Please make it stop.

Please.

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