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This time, I was the one that finally said...

I want a divorce.

I called it.

I'm done.

At first, it was always a battle of who was going to call it and hurt the other person more.  Over time, it didn't come as such a blow because I knew that in reality, what we were doing wasn't fair to anyone.  I knew that at some point, we were going to just have to get off the pot.  The "shitting" had already been done and no one thing was going to change that over night or over the course of a lifetime...

Even though I've been the final hammer, I'm okay with this.  It's what's best for our family, it's what's best for our kids and if I have to live a life of lies and pain for the rest of my life, I might explode.

It's not easy lying your whole life, waiting for the day to come when you don't have to tell someone how you met or what you've been hiding or what you've done... When you can just lay it all our there, be forgiven and move forward... it's powerful.

But, acceptance, some days... is hard. Really hard.

What I have a hard time reminding myself of is... I CAN DO THIS.

What is happening and what will be the end result, will be life changing and what I have to keep saying is that... LIFE WILL BE BETTER and GREENER on the other side...

Just keep swimming...

Normalcy and comfort get in my way.

I think about whether I've given it enough time or if I'm giving up too quickly.  I think about all of the what ifs and nothing... nothing will be better than when I'm over this hump and things are just good.

It's not going to be easy and like yesterday and when I just couldn't contain my cries or pain... There will be more and more days like that.  I have to just keep moving forward and reminding myself too, that God has got this... He's got a plan.  He knows what's up... and I won't have to suffer through like I have for years.

The pain is real.  It's growing bigger and bigger daily... I can do this.  I will do this.  And on the other side, life will be better.

If you have prayers to spare or want to send some good vibes my way, please do.  I've been praying for strength, for time for myself, for space, for happiness, for joy... #findingjoy is the hashtag that I've been using a lot lately.  I haven't had pure joy in my life or with myself for a long time.  My kids are my joy.  They bring so much joy to me... but even in this time of hurt and pain and change... my heart almost refuses to accept joy.

Please pray for me.

Acceptance is necessary.  It's real.  And it's going to be a matter of truly accepting joy and releasing the pain in my life before I feel better...

Divorce. Acceptance. Joy.



Jessica said…
I have been reading your blog for years, since before you had kids, and I just want to say - I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you've gone through all of this, but I am wowed by your strength and your determination to find joy. You are on my heart.
Anonymous said…
here supporting you ... like you said, just keep swimming. based on everything you've poured out here, this is the right decision for you and your kids. you can do this. it's going to be tough but it really will be much greener on the other side and so well worth the tears, pain and the fight. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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