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YOU lied.

Oh, the night that my husband was unreachable until 4am.   Only to become aware of my worrying about him because I was blowing up his phone with the "find my iphone" app.  Not because he cared to tell me what was going on.  

Timeline references: This was about 7 months following his father's death, 3 years and 4 months after our son was born, and 1 year and  2 months after our daughter was born.

This was also 5 months before I found NUMEROUS online profiles and personal ads online and told him to leave and be done with this bull shit, and 10 months before he had an affair with a young adult.

Another side note: He's called me a child for years and has made so many different references about marrying an adult but rather a child.  He also has little to no respect for me or our marriage and hasn't from day one.  Tough stuff but real life.

I'm being vulnerable and telling you these things with the knowledge that criticism, judgement and an attack of some kind could unfold, but I can't hold these things inside anymore.  They aren't healthy and I'm hoping by sharing... you won't feel as stuck in your marriage or relationship as I have felt for so many years..

Release.  Speak.  Share.  Let it go...

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From Sean: I am sorry for my stress and shortness. I am just frustrated about how things just roll on at home despite my desire for them to change. It continues to push me further and further away. I have expressed that a lot.
I am also still struggling with dad. I did not want to tell you bc I had so many issues for so long. I snuck away from the dance on Saturday night, watch his video (to celebrate my birthday) and it set a tone in my head for drinking.
I am going to go to the Kohls's on Olentangy tonight and then visit the bell tower at Union. Grab some dinner somewhere I don't usually go and then go to this presentation (which sounds very intense and informative for my job).
I will call you after work. lets make a grocery list.

Jill: I'm more aware of what's going on than you think.  I'm very aware that you're struggling but sometimes I cannot see what it is that is causing this, rather just that you're not in a good place.  Because of your dad's passing, there's really nothing I can do to make that better.  I'm not going to be able to take that pain away, but I need to know when you just need more space, or something.

I just struggle because you bottle this stuff up ALL THE TIME and I never know what's going on until after the fact.

Just tell me.

I wouldn't be such a nut case if you just told me what was going on.

And if I would've known the mindset you were in for Friday night I would've been able to mentally prepare myself for 4am.  I also wouldn't have been such a basket case about it still today.

I need to know what's going on.  Call me intruding or invasive or whatever, you have to keep me in the loop or I will lose my mind (more than I already have).
Sean: I told you what I was feeling, you made it about yourself.  Thanks for pushing me further away and ruining my day.
Jill: No, you just proved again, that you can't tell me the truth and you have to continually lie to me.
It's a nasty fucking place to be.
Sean: What the fuck are you talking about

Your brain cannot tell the difference between a lie and repressing my feelings.

Don't talk to me anymore.

Jill: You don't talk to me anyway, so that's easy.

Sean: I wonder why.  I'm honest and you're a selfish bitch.

Jill: No, you're a liar and you hate me.

You can't tell me 4 days later and think that you're being honest about something.  That's lying.

Sean: You're a complete fucking moron.

I wanted to tell you where my brain was and where my heart was.  I went out and had fun to take my mind off it.

I have nothing left to say.  I'm completely confused and disappointed that we can't work.  I have no desire to fix it, but will remain with you for our kids.  Unlike you, I'm not selfish.

Jill: I'm sorry about your dad.  It's the most fucked up thing I've ever been apart of and the fact that he's still not here with us, daily is very strange.  I understand you're still struggling.  I got that when you were in Chicago with your brother, I could feel it then and many times before, I just wish you could just tell me in the moment.

I won't judge you, I can just listen and try hard to lighten the mood or just hug you, but you have to talk to me.

Sean: I just struggle.  I find myself wanting to drink or to be alone to collect my thoughts.  I know I'm going to go to the cemetery and have an open conversation with my dad.  I already did this morning.

I hate feeling this way because of our kids. It's not that I don't want to be around them but our household is chaos that stresses me out to the point of screaming. It happens everyday.

I'm being honest, and it will hurt, but I think about how we got here and I sincerely don't think we will every get it back.  We are great parents and good friends, but that's it.

Don't take that personally, but take it as an adult.  We need to figure something out.

Jill: If we are being honest, I don't even think you feel that I'm a friend.

I feel like I'm a parent to a teenager that constantly hides things and makes me feel like I'm on a wild goose chase.

I also feel like I'm minutes away from you asking me to have an open relationship.

Sean: You feel like you're a parent to a teenager? How ironic.

Jill: I also feel like you're enjoying always having single or struggling married friends as friends so that you can live vicariously through them.

I feel like I'm the only one that remembers that we have children and I had to remind you that your decisions are terrible and you need to get checked.  If something happens to you, it will be really fucking awful and our kids will never recover.

I'm sick of feeling like I have to be home to love and play with them so that you can work or play on your phone or play a game or look on facebook.  When the kids are awake and we are all together, I like to play with them and eat with them and snuggle with them.... It's what I prefer to do.

I know it's a motherly instinct thing but I feel alone.

Sean: You're a complete joke Jill.  Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do.  Thanks for being selfish and seeing how high you can put yourself up there.  Thanks for noticing how hard I work for this family and the shit hole life we would have without my degrees, continuing education and job.

You do the same fucking things, so get over yourself.

You're so worked up about lies and you just spouted off a bunch.

You don't understand, not would you want to understand if I explained.  I am totally convinced that you are not mature enough to get things or to change.  That is why I have continually explained the simplest life skills to you for 9 years.

Jill: I'm really good at sweeping things under the rug.  My dad did it my whole life.  I can erase things from my memory at the drop of a hat.  But, when I get hurt, I hold onto them close.  I was really hurt by Friday.  You didn't invite me into the bar, you didn't text me to tell me what was going on, you went to your school, and all I could think was that you were dead or sleeping with someone.  It's where my mind goes.  I'm sorry. 

Maybe I am immature. I recognize this.  And as far as a relationship is concerned, you have made some really immature decisions too.  We should've never gotten married that young. Our biggest mistake.

Sean: I agree. I'm not sure where we can go from here.  I'm sincerely confused.  I'm really unhappy.

Jill: I'm going to seek counseling.

I'm going to ask Pastor Clancy.
Sean: I'm not sure I want Clancy to know all this and I'm not sure I have it in me.  Just give me time and space.  I don't want to walk away, but it's only because of the kids.  That's what's in my heart right now and I have not had time to just collect my thoughts.
Jill: I can't do this alone and I don't know how long I'm going to be able to wait.

Sean: Until?

Jill: I need to talk to someone that will help me understand why you are the person you are and how I can adjust or understand you better.

I've lost you a long time ago

This isn't new.

But it's gotten worse with your dad passing and you never talking to me and you always hiding from me

And this job.

I love the paycheck but it's an adjustment that we can't get through

Sean: ? How can we not get through it, so I quit?

Funny, I absolutely love what I'm doing.

Jill: I'm saying that we haven't yet but hopefully we will.

Sean: I'm sorry for the way I feel and I know it hurts, but it's the way I feel.  I know want honesty, but I don't think it's going to be pretty.

Jill: No, I want it. It's the only way we are going to be able to tear everything down and potentially build it back up, by just laying it out there.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Sad to know that these conversations just don't stop.  That I lived this way... disrespected, hurt, lied to for so long.  I just don't know how to recover without cutting the cord.  We can be parents separately, so that God can lead us to the happy loving places that we are meant to be, but going there together, isn't going to happen. I don't belong with him and God makes me free from him, our sins together and my sins within this marriage.

I deserve to be loved.  To find love and joy on my own and not be dependent of someone to lead me there, aside from God.

Comments

Maria said…
So sorry, Jill for all you have endured. Prayers that you will heal a little more each day.
Liv said…
Notice every time you ask him honest questions he calls you names and tells you that you are beneath him? Classic narcissist behavior. And he cheated on you? This guy is a real piece of work and you deserve better. No one had better criticize you. You are the only adult in the conversation. There are good men out there who would never treat you like this. This is not how marriage is supposed to be. Take care of yourself.
anver said…
prayers to god i hope you heal more each day

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