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Unveiling Lies

When my husband and I met, we told our family and friends that we met through a mutual friend.  Someone connected to church but also had a connection to a school friend.  We lied.  We lied because at the time, we had met online.  But not the kind of online that people use today.  It was over the phone.  A relationship dating telephone line.

Embarrassing, sure.  Just admitting that now, makes me think... here it comes.  Judgement, opinions, comments, etc... And for those of you (maybe) reading this for the first time, on here, I'm really sorry.  We lied and continued to lie and I'm just done lying.  I know it's a blow, but I can't lie anymore.  I can't.

We dated, for what seemed like, a really long time.  Almost 3 years, when you look back at it.  We dated for almost 1.5 years and then we were engaged for almost 1.5 years, too.

When I think back about that time, I get mad and frustrated because there were so many things wrong with how our relationship started and how we continued it that it doesn't make since, today, why we even did what we did.

I know that sounds terrible, but we built a relationship on a lie, then we continued through our relationship dodging lies from one another, only to marry and lie to everyone attending that we were as prepared as can be to be married.  When in reality, we had no idea what marriage was.

I remember my family (several of them) going out on limbs to say... please don't do this.  He's probably a great guy, but you haven't lived and it's not a good time in your life to just marry.  You don't even know what life is yet... Wait until you're 30, then you'll know.  All sorts of comments that, at the time, made me mad.  I thought... Aren't people supposed to be happy about marriage and taking that next step in life?  Why do they have to be so judgmental?  Can't the just support me and move on...

Well, now.  11 years later, I think... Why did I get married so young?  Why did I marry him?  Why did we force something that we may not have chosen if we were given more time? And did we even have a clue what we were really in for?

We stepped into out relationship fast and we sort of missed the step of being friends.  I've heard a lot of people talk about their marriages lately and they refer to their spouse as their best friend.  They talk about these years they spent being friends and how they couldn't imagine life without this friend that they have spent years getting close to on various levels.

My husband and I aren't friends.  We've become the furthest thing from friends at this point.  And we basically exist in a relationship where we are forced to be around one another.  It's not healthy.

And over the last few months, I've started to reflect and listen to what people are actually saying.  What I've realized is that I've spent so much time planning and talking about him, that I've really let myself go.  And I've lost who I am.  And now, that really hurts.

Life isn't supposed to be like this.  I want to be happy again and it's time to get me there.

Being vulnerable and letting people read and hear the truth about things that I've kept hidden for so long are helpful.  Helpful in the process of being courageous and sharing my pain, so that others don't have to hide in the struggles either and that they can know that there is life afterward.  That you don't have to stay hurt and in pain forever, just to keep your marriage together.  That I do matter and that I am strong and that I WILL overcome this.

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"The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity." - Brene Brown


Comments

Anonymous said…
I've been reading your blog for years. I care about you, in the way that a stranger can care about another stranger who has been vulnerable and shared openly. Please...this is your one and only life here on this earth...don't spend it like this! Think of your daughter: would you want her to stay, resigned, in a marriage like this? Would you want your son to see how your husband treats you?

Take a new chance, and end your marriage. Live with your children and show them that you are strong and worthy of respect and love. Rely on what assistance is needed so that you don't have to live with your husband.

It can be so much better once it's over...
HGTG said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said…
I could have written this post, word for word. My husband (??) and I have been in the same situation for years. We got married way too young, for all the wrong reasons, and now 12 years in....I'm pretty sure that I lost the best years of my life for the decisions I made when I was 20. My husband continues to want to save our marriage...but even though I love him, he is the father of our children, I'm not IN love with him. He just doesn't get that...how do you tell someone that you've been with almost half your life that you would rather kiss a fish than kiss him?

Although it's unfortunate that you are going (went) through any of this....it's almost reassuring to know that I'm not alone. I'm not sure when or how your story ends, but know that you aren't alone either.

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