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Talk to me!

I've said for years, through every emotional attachment affair, that if he would just talk to the person that shares a bed with you and lives under the same roof as you.... that we wouldn't be where we are today.  That if he showed the same respect and trust to me as he does to his co-workers and his friends, then I wouldn't seem so distant or untouchable.  If he didn't hurt me the way he would hurt a stranger, then I wouldn't be so... hurt.

But I'm right here, in the same house... why can't you just talk to me?!?

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Talking is hard, these days.  We don't talk about a lot of things and we rarely ask how each others days are going because... we just don't care to know.  That's how I knew that it was getting bad. 

I find myself burying myself in my phone for fear of actually having to make conversation with my husband.  And sometimes that leads me down this path of being so totally consumed that I wonder why life passed me by or why I'm always so late for things.  I even go right to bed and pick up my phone before falling asleep to it, so I again don't have to say anything to him.

I read articles about how phones are ruining lives and marriages all across the country.  I start to think.  That's us.  I've done that to us.  I don't want to talk, so I use my phone as a crutch.  I'm buying right into this same exact situation.  I've created this monster in our marriage.

But then I think, well, it takes two to tango and I'm not the only one in the house with a phone.  And I'm pretty sure that he's been doing a lot of the same stuff... but for years and it's not been to just not talk to me... it's been to find who else he could talk to without getting caught.

Yes.  Dirty details.  But, I'm being real here, folks.

Life isn't all cupcakes and lollipops and pictures of fun things on instagram.  It's actually not a lot of fun and feelings are being hurt all of the time.

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So, how are we fixing this?

Slowly.  I said that I would stay and work through this, if...

1. I knew that he was getting help.
2. I knew that he was trying to be accountable with someone healthy, male, a Christian and someone outside of our relationship.
3. I felt safe.

Those things are taking place, but as of a month ago, things were still happening.  So, I have to be guarded and cautious.

What am I doing?

I'm surrounding myself with the best support system that I could have.  I'm finding more ways to connect with Christian women and I'm trying to find more ways to spend time for myself and for self help.  I also go to a counselor that is a Christian and she's been very helpful, as well.

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Where do you see yourself in 6 months to a year?

I don't know.  The unknown is what gives me anxiety at night.

Whatever it is, I will be okay.


amber conant said…
I've been a long time reader of your blog and I've never commented before but I just have I say thank you for talking about this. Thank you for putting it out there. I was in an unhappy marriage for almost 5 years. The man I married turned out to be a different person then I thought he was and I made excuses for him for a long time, to myself and to others. It took us a year and a half and fertility treatment to get pregnant with our son and I felt like I was so alone in that. And once I did get pregnant I was pretty much alone in that too. He had no interest or desire to help me with anything baby related (like painting the nursery, buying things, and getting ready for our child). He did the bare minimum of occasionally going to my ob appointments with me. After we had our son I felt like I was raising our son alone. A year ago this month I asked him to move out, our son was a year old. Once I made that choice I never doubted it and I never looked back. I filed for divorce and we are now going through that process. While it's been hard, especially financial, it was the best choice for me. I knew that I could never be happy and have the life I deserved for myself and for my son of I stayed with him. Maybe if he had been willing to acknowledge his contribution to our problems things would have been different, but to this day he doesn't think he ever did anything wrong. It's such a hard situation to be in, and one that not a lot of people talk about, and you have to make the choice that is best for you and your children. If that's working on things and staying then do that. I wish you best of luck and just had to let you know that your not alone in this and thank you for sharing what your going through.
Sarah M. said…
Hugs!! I'm sorry you guys are having a hard time. I'll be thinking of you both.

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