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Grief

Before I get too deep into what I'm about to talk about, I want you to listen to this: Brene Brown on Vulnerability

Now, about grief.  I've talked about this before, when we were going through infertility treatments and failed attempts at starting our family.  Crazy to think that I'm thinking about these same things again, but in a much different light this time.

The internet says that there are about 5 steps to grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Throughout the loss of my marriage and friendship with my husband, I've experienced all of these phases. And numerous times, at that.

Let me explain...

1. Denial that I these things were really happening and that I would have to become more parent like every day, waiting for the next move or the next problem.  Denial that the person I married was doing these things to me.  Denial that these things could and would happen in a marriage.  Denial that he couldn't see it any other way.  Denial that this was going to be the rest of my list.  Denial that I wasn't going to be able to leave.  Denial that I was stuck.  Denial that it wouldn't happen again. Denial that I had some role to play in this mess.  Denial that our family would become a statistic.  Denial that I was married.  Denial that I was just living a nightmare.

2. Angry because of what he was doing to me.  Angry because of the lack of remorse or repentance.  Angry that I was alone and made to believe that this was how a relationship was going to work.  Angry that this was happening to me.  Angry that this was our marriage and how we never wanted to end up. Angry for my kids. Angry for my family.  Angry for everyone we've lied to over the many years.

3. Bargaining with anything and anyone to make this work.

4. Depression, a place that I will not be leaving from for a while.  A place that just SUCKS the life away.

5. Acceptance of where we are.  What needs to happen.  And how we need to move forward.  Not a place that I've been long, but somewhere I have been for a week and I just can't go back.

I won't live this way for the rest of my life and end up like a lot of people who wish they would've left years ago to not end up like they are today.  I won't let my kids believe that love is supposed to look like this.  I don't want to waste my life living in misery.  I know that my husband might read this and think... she's really just blowing this out of proportion, but that's part of the problem.  He doesn't see what he's done to me over the years and maybe it's my fault for thinking that he would change... but we all know now that even after all that has been said and done... It still will happen again and I'm just not ready to stand around and wait for it.  I can't let it effect me like it has for years.  I have to move on and move forward with my life or I will drown in this relationship.

It's not easy and the biggest hang up for years was always the kids and we can't do this for the kids and we have to stay together for the kids, but what we didn't think about was what we were doing to our kids in a negative way, by staying together for the kids.  We have even said to one another that if we didn't have kids that this would've been done a long time ago.

It took me a long time to realize that I was strong enough to stand up and say... I cannot live like this.  I will not live like this.  And you won't make me live like this.  I need to be strong.  I need to be happy.  I need to do those things without your grey cloud of control, misery, and addiction in my life.  I will not stand to be treated this way and I need to heal... Without you by my side.

I'm still learning to say those words.  I'm still learning what it really feels like to be strong, but I have to do this for my kids.  Not stay because of them.  I have to show them what love feels like and looks like.  I need them to see that although it might not be picture perfect all of the time, it should never look like this.

I'm to fault in some situations, but the bottom line is... Love doesn't look like this.  Neither does a marriage.

There are some days where the grief is really bad.  But the more I become vulnerable with what has happened to me and this marriage, the better I feel... It's freeing.


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