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Showing posts from November, 2015

YOU lied.

Oh, the night that my husband was unreachable until 4am.   Only to become aware of my worrying about him because I was blowing up his phone with the "find my iphone" app.  Not because he cared to tell me what was going on.  

Timeline references: This was about 7 months following his father's death, 3 years and 4 months after our son was born, and 1 year and  2 months after our daughter was born.

This was also 5 months before I found NUMEROUS online profiles and personal ads online and told him to leave and be done with this bull shit, and 10 months before he had an affair with a young adult.

Another side note: He's called me a child for years and has made so many different references about marrying an adult but rather a child.  He also has little to no respect for me or our marriage and hasn't from day one.  Tough stuff but real life.

I'm being vulnerable and telling you these things with the knowledge that criticism, judgement and an attack of some kind could un…


Before I get too deep into what I'm about to talk about, I want you to listen to this: Brene Brown on Vulnerability

Now, about grief.  I've talked about this before, when we were going through infertility treatments and failed attempts at starting our family.  Crazy to think that I'm thinking about these same things again, but in a much different light this time.

The internet says that there are about 5 steps to grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Throughout the loss of my marriage and friendship with my husband, I've experienced all of these phases. And numerous times, at that.

Let me explain...

1. Denial that I these things were really happening and that I would have to become more parent like every day, waiting for the next move or the next problem.  Denial that the person I married was doing these things to me.  Denial that these things could and would happen in a marriage.  Denial that he couldn't see it any other way.  Denial t…

Unveiling Lies

When my husband and I met, we told our family and friends that we met through a mutual friend.  Someone connected to church but also had a connection to a school friend.  We lied.  We lied because at the time, we had met online.  But not the kind of online that people use today.  It was over the phone.  A relationship dating telephone line.

Embarrassing, sure.  Just admitting that now, makes me think... here it comes.  Judgement, opinions, comments, etc... And for those of you (maybe) reading this for the first time, on here, I'm really sorry.  We lied and continued to lie and I'm just done lying.  I know it's a blow, but I can't lie anymore.  I can't.

We dated, for what seemed like, a really long time.  Almost 3 years, when you look back at it.  We dated for almost 1.5 years and then we were engaged for almost 1.5 years, too.

When I think back about that time, I get mad and frustrated because there were so many things wrong with how our relationship started and ho…

The Dark Cloud

When I walk in my house...

When I'm around my husband...

When I think about my past...

When I think about, if what I'm going through was happening to someone I cared about, how I would be reacting...

When I'm alone and happy, I realize how much I've let this dark black cloud hover over me for a very long time.  I've blamed it on seasonal affectionate disorder, depression, anxiety, hurt, paid, suffering, grief... But in all honestly, it's because I've let someone that I loved put me under their thumb.... while he has his cake and eats it too.

But what I've forgotten in that time, is that I'm stronger than that.  I deserve to be respected.  I need to have trust.  I can't be put under a thumb any more.

The hurt and pain won't go away overnight and I may never forget what happened to me, but I can forgive and let those things go... Because I can't let them hold me down any longer.

I want a divorce.

A request that I will never forget.

One that I've heard multiple times.

And one that I've even said myself over the last 3 years.

But we haven't.

Marriage isn't easy.  It's really awful at times.

I look forward to those days becoming less and less.

Talk to me!

I've said for years, through every emotional attachment affair, that if he would just talk to the person that shares a bed with you and lives under the same roof as you.... that we wouldn't be where we are today.  That if he showed the same respect and trust to me as he does to his co-workers and his friends, then I wouldn't seem so distant or untouchable.  If he didn't hurt me the way he would hurt a stranger, then I wouldn't be so... hurt.

But I'm right here, in the same house... why can't you just talk to me?!?

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Talking is hard, these days.  We don't talk about a lot of things and we rarely ask how each others days are going because... we just don't care to know.  That's how I knew that it was getting bad. 

I find myself burying myself in my phone for fear of actually having to make conversation with my husband.  And sometimes that leads me down this path of being so totally consumed that I wonder why life passed me …

Yesterday, I asked my husband to move out...

On November 13, 2013, I asked my husband to move out.

Today, November 14th, 2013, we are looking for furnished apartments to make that possible and he's asking his mom for a loan to help cover the costs.

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Yes, two years ago, this was really happening and he really went through with it.  Except, he ended up in an long-term stay hotel and it lasted about 3 weeks because that's all that we could afford at the time.  Plus, his family was coming for the holidays and I wasn't going to host them alone.

And yes, this happened because he was distracted with his life choices and not the three people that lived under the same roof as him.  And no, it hadn't escalated to the point where it did almost 1.5 years later.

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When like takes a turn and throws a curve ball like this at you, it's hard to recover.  We were forced to come back to one another after a short time away because of financial reasons.  We continue to stay together…