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Bull Riding

Have you ever watched a Bull Riding event, before?  The guy gets on the bull, it's all tense for a second, the gate opens, we watch and then OOOOooooo, he's down.

That's sort of what I have felt the last.... 15 year of my life has felt like.  Clearly, the timing of my life and the bull riding don't match up too well, but you can sort of see it happening in slow motion, right...

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When my husband and I were first married, we know now that we got married for some not so great reasons.  We loved one another, we cared about one another, we loved each others' family, we like a lot of the same things, we had a lot of fun together, we had a lot of the same values and goals for our lives... we just worked.

Knowing what I know now, 15 years of knowing my husband... We were young, dumb and confused about what love really felt like.  In my opinion, because he cared about me, meant that he also loved me and while those things can go hand in hand, unless you have God in the mix of it all, it won't make sense.

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At this point, I feel like I was jumping on the bull at a slow pace.  Grabbing hold of the reigns and clinching for my life and hoping that this ride wouldn't kill me.

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I've said this before.  I grew up going to church, but I don't have a lot of memories about learning more about the bible at home or talking much about church once we were home.  I know that my mom always had a better understanding than my dad, but there was still always this lingering piece of confusion that honestly, didn't go away until last year.

Several years ago, we were floundering around trying to "find a church" but nothing really came of it, because we were letting my in-laws sort of call the shots and that didn't turn out well.  Not because the churches were bad or the people were bad... But because we weren't in a good place to even hear the word.

I wrote a post a while ago that talked about my husband and I believing in something but we weren't sure what that greater power was or what it even meant to believe in it.  We didn't know what we wanted from whatever that greater power was, but we weren't ignoring it.

In November of 2012, we took our first steps inside of our church and we have no regrets, since.  We didn't start out going for any reason other than we knew that we wanted to expose our children and we knew that this relationship and process was going to really be for them, more than anything else.

Almost three years later, we have developed into that family that would come from time to time, would have a couple connections, would know the pastors by name and would feel a little bit uncomfortable about where we were going to sit each week... To those people that attend weekly, help with child registration for Sunday school, participate in Sunday school for elementary kids, attend bible studies on days outside of the normal Sunday attendance, have friends from church that we talk to regularly, to joining a life group that meets bi-weekly... All because we wanted and needed God in our lives.

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At this point, the gate is about to open and then bull is getting antsy... Oh the joy and excitement and uncertainty that races over you...

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You see, the last 3 years are not a blur.  The last 3 years are very real.  AND, the last 15 years with my husband are also very real.  There are things that we have gone through in those years that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Financial struggles, adultery, infertility, constant floundering, emotional affairs, loss of a child, heartache, narcissistic behavioral problems, loss of a parent, addictions, alcoholism, living with parents (in their home), parents living with us (in our home), job changes, etc... The list goes on and on.  The last 3 years specifically involve a lot of pain, heartache, struggle, depression, anxiety and hurt.

Marrying another person, for the reasons we did... it gives you nothing to really stand on.  Nothing solid enough to build a life on like we were really hoping.  It wasn't until a few years ago that we were told that if we aren't standing on God as our solid rock, you will fall on your face (or continue to).  Hearing this, came at a point where we were (or I was) desperate. Truths weren't being said, lies were all over our marriage and we were broken.  I was holding on for dear life hoping that whatever I was holding onto would one day have a chance at recovering (or existing).  I was desperate. We weren't on the same page.  It was ugly.

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Gate is open.  Rider is just flailing around. The bull is going wild.

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As I start to write again, I ask for patients, support and nice warm hugs... Just like Olaf.  Okay?!


Kim D said…
I'm thinking of you! Sending strength and prayers.
Mrs.Joe said…
Still here reading! Sending prayers!
Jos said…
This really hit home for me tonight. So much to think about. Thank you for sharing...
Maria said…
You are very brave for sharing your ride with us. Warm hugs coming your way!
OH friend...

Supporting you from afar.
Bec74 said…
Sounds like we have been on the same ride the past few years.

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