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so frustrated.

At my 6 week postpartum visit with my doctor, we talked about birth control.  I knew I wanted to do something, but I wasn't really crazy about taking a pill everyday.  We talked about my options and at the time, decided that the depo shot was going to be the best option.

A couple of weeks later, I came in with my shot, walked out 15 minutes later and knew that I was protecting without doing something daily or even monthly.

Three to five months pass and I realize that I'm just not myself.  I feel like a negative Nancy, my mood is just in the gutter and every day I feel like complete and utter garbage.  I talked my general doctor about my feelings and my moods and he said that he has seen where the depo has sent some mom's right into postpartum, without much warning.

Next thing I know, I'm taking a pill every day.  Not birth control, but an anti-depressant.


To be honest, being in this spot.  This spot where all of my good & high moments were almost non-existant or heavily weighed out by my low moments, sucked.  I hated feeling this way.  It wasn't me.  I wasn't laughing and that's a huge red flag.  My husband likes to tell people that he married me because I laugh at his jokes, even when no one else would.  But, I wasn't laughing.  I wasn't feeling like myself and it wasn't good for anyone.

I wasn't having an thoughts of hurting myself or hurting someone else or leaving my life, I just was lacking confidence, happiness, motivation, love, I felt lost, confused, forgetful, etc... All things that just made me feel like I wasn't myself.  And I wasn't doing anything good for myself or those around me.

You've probably read my post and are now saying... lady, get on with it.

Alright, so 4 weeks pass and I feel nothing, no improvement with this pill that I'm taking daily.  If nothing else, I felt like I was eating more than normal which wasn't helping the way I felt about my body, so something had to change.  My general doctor said that I should've been feeling something different by now.  He wanted to take me off and switch, so I talked to my OB and we switched my anti-depressant as well as my birth control.

Another 4 weeks pass and I start with the Nuva Ring.  I thought that this was just going to be the golden ticket and was actually excited to get something going here and hopefully making this the only thing I would have to worry about.


Two days into the Nuva Ring, I could tell something was wrong.

I had already started to take Fenugreek because I wanted to ramp up my supply so that I had enough for when we went on vacation, but then my supply wasn't increasing and if nothing else, it was actually decreasing a bit. On top of that, I've been eating oatmeal daily, drinking water constantly (which means peeing like crazy) and drinking a dark beer at night.  Nothing was helping my supply.  I started to stress out a bit and then when I went to work and could see that pumping, I wasn't seeing the increase like I had hoped, I panicked.  I called my lactation consultant to tell her what was going on.  She suggested that I should stop using the Nuva Ring, but that I should talk to my doctor first.

I call my OB, talked to a nurse and withing a few minutes I find out that I shouldn't have been on that because of breastfeeding and having estrogen in it and that I needed to take it out immediately.

Great.  Another medicine down and another option thrown at me.

They suggested taking the mini pill and since I'm already taking an anti-depressant every day, I thought, why not.  Let's do this and get something going that isn't going to mess me all up, again.

So, I picked up the mini pill from the pharmacy.

Right now, I take 4 fenugreek pills - 3 times a day, anti-depressant - 1 time a day, prenatal - 1 time a day, and 1,000 units of Vitamin D (because the girl who drinks a gallon of milk in two days ALONE, is low in Vitatmin D - don't even get my started on this).

And now, I just cannot bring myself to start the mini pill.  I fear that it's going to mess me up and just make me start this whole process over again.

So, now, I have an appointment with my general doctor to talk about what I'm taking, what I need to be taking and what I can stop taking.  I also need to know that the mini pill will not continue my postpartum and also allow me to stop taking my anti-depressant.

I still haven't taken the mini pill.  I also still haven't had a cycle since before I became pregnant with Emie.

I don't want to take these medicines, but right now it feels like it's my only option and it just stinks.

Hopefully I will have more answers soon because I cannot live like this and take these pills daily.  I'm not 80.  I'm 30 and I don't want to take 15 pills in a day.

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Mrs. B said…
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I struggled with depression for a few years in my early twenties and it was awful. I remember desperately longing just to feel normal for a day. My parents encouraged me to avoid anti-depressants, and I really wish I had ignored them because it took me almost 2 years to recover, and I think it would have been much shorter if I had had some assistance. I really hope you can figure out a combination of birth control and anti-depressant soon that lets you enjoy your life.

I also seem to have extreme reaction to birth control (I think part of my infertility problems actually was how strongly my body responded to nuvaring even though it's supposed to be "low-dose"). My sister is the same way and she's been using Mirena for the past few years. She loves it! It helps regulate her mood swings, she never has cycles, and never has to remember to take a pill! I looked it up on Kelly Mom and it sounds like it's perfectly safe for breastfeeding (even recommended). Just a thought :) Thinking of you.
Jen Moore said…
I swear by Mirena. I'm coming up on my 5 years with this IUD. I have not had a single side effect and I haven't had a period for 5 years. No cramps, no bleeding, nothing. I have never felt better. Don't know if you've tried it or not, but it's the best ever in my book.
Mandy said…

I hate that you feel this way.

I wanted to suggest trying a diaphragm for birth control. I've used one since my first child three years ago and love it. Yeah, you need to put it in before getting frisky, but it's really not more involved than a condom and best of all, NO HORMONES! That's why I went with it...the pill was making me feel crazy and I just didn't want to add more hormones to my body.

I just wanted to put it out there in case you or the doctor hadn't mentioned it as an option yet.
Whitney said…
Girl, I have my Mirena horror story, so you just let me know if you want all those deets. I've been on the mini pill since the summer and have had no decrease in milk supply! I really hope you're back to feeling like your normal, laughing-for-no-good-reason self!!
Sarah Dee said…
I am sorry. That sucks. I wanted to offer you my fenugreek if you want it. I have 4 unopened bottles.
Sarah M. said…
I'm so sorry. Getting things like meds right can take forever!! I take an antidepressant for my anxiety and without it, I'm so not myself. As far as bc goes, have you thought about an IUD? Id talk to your GP about that next time if you can.

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand many of those feelings and frustrations. It sucks.

I hope things work out and you start feeling more like yourself.
Mums make lists said…
So sorry for what you're going through - hugs xxx

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