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Keep them safe & close

On Saturday night, I was overwhelmed with emotions. Hearing and listening to all the details of what happened in Newtown, CT felt all too cruel to really be real. Until late Saturday night, it was if I was watching a terrible movie, over and over and over again. But then it hit me.  This is very real.  Really real and terribly horrific.  Why? Why? Why?

I had just gotten down feeding my daughter and we were resting on the couch under the glow of the Christmas tree and all of a sudden, I couldn't help myself.  I went through a series of emotions... crying for those children, their parents, their families.  Then for the administration, the teachers, their children and their families.  Then for everyone involved.  Then I started picturing this happening to our small town that we live in.  I had this image of going to church and well, not making it home.  It seemed so graphic.  I had a visual of something happening in the nursery where the my son would be and the scariest feelings and the swarm of emotion just sent me right into a complete panic attack.

What happened isn't about me, but like all other parents around the world, this event has hit so close to home that you just cannot help but play out how it would've felt if it would've happened to you.  To think about these children and how they must of felt when they could hear those awful sounds or just to know that something horrible had happened to their friends or their teachers.

After hugging my husband Saturday night before bed, we both said that if I still felt this way in the morning, we just wouldn't go to church because of the way I was feeling that night and the thoughts I was having.  I went upstairs with my daughter and I found myself holding her closer just because of the way I felt.  It was supposed to be her first night in bed and while I was excited for this transition, I felt like I just couldn't let go.  I slept in her room both Saturday night and Sunday night.  It was comforting to be that close to both of my kids and within feet of keeping them safe and close. But I knew that eventually, I'd have to loosen up my "grip" a little.

I know that I cannot live in fear and like I had said in IG last weekend, I have to keep telling myself that while this horrible event has rocked this small little town, it's also effected the entire United States.  I am one that typically trusts people too quickly and through the last couple of days, I've found myself stepping back from that trait.  I even felt myself doing that at church on Sunday when a strange man was standing in the hallway by the nursery.  Maybe that was just a sign that it wasn't going to work out for my son and that keeping him with us in the service and in the lobby, was what he and I both needed.

This can happen in any town and in any public facility.  I am fully aware of this.  But because so many children were involved and it was a child that created this horrible event, it all hits closer to home than I'd ever like.

I don't know how we're all going to get through this.  I know that we just have to have trust that we will, but for now, it's hard to imagine.

We did make it to church on Sunday and while my son didn't want anything to do with the nursery, we had a nice time and we were happy that we went.  My husband said that the message was really moving and he was glad that we were there too.  I'm just sad that I didn't get to hear it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much more this effects me because it's just too much, but when something like this happens, I think about my husband too.  My husband the teacher who could be put in the same position as some of those teachers in Newtown.  Talking about this is hard.  I cannot even go there.

I continue to think about those children every day.  And every day, I smother my kids with kids and live in the day.  I don't want to forget the love that we have for one another, right now.  It didn't a take a tragedy to create this need, but it sure has amplified my need to do this every day... more and more.


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With that said, I've told people over and over again that I'm going to write again, just not sure where to start.
So, today, I'm starting here.
My mom is terminal.  
Words that I cannot believe have to leave my mouth or my fingers.
She's been battling Ovarian Cancer for well over 10 years and this last year or 8 months+ have been just the worst.  Her body is being consumed by cancer and with every day that passes we are just another closer to losing her.
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