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worried

I'm worried.

I worry about a lot of things.

As this pregnancy starts to come to an end, my anxiety levels have started to escalate to another level of worry.  I had some worry with Coen, but we had planned for a very natural delivery, we didn't get worried until we were faced with blood pressures that were rising and then the emergency c-section that was the end result and while completely necessary, it was scary.

Going into this one a little less-blinded, it still makes me nervous.

Unlike last time, when I couldn't read this book... My worries are much different. I still haven't read it and being pregnant again made me less likely to read it again.  I will get to it, but it will have to wait a few more months.

I worry about Coen.  Where will he be?  Will he be at home?  Will he be okay?  Will he wonder where I am?  Who will be with him?  Will he sleep okay?  Eat okay?  When he sees me in the hospital, will it be okay?  Will he cry for me when he leaves because we'll be apart for longer than we ever have been?  Will there be anything that I will miss when I'm not with him and he will be accomplishing some great milestone?  How will he react to a new sister?  Or a new baby in general?

And after all of that, will I be okay?

I worry about myself.  I worry about the surgery.  I worry about my spinal injection.  I worry about the procedure in general.  I worry about my recovery.  I worry about my health.

But honestly, I worry about our little girl too.

Will she have some of the same blood pressure issues that Coen did or will we bypass them because we're going in for a scheduled c-section?  Will she have any of the respiratory issues that Coen had?  Or was that just a fluke because I was trying to have my body labor him out?  Will she look like Coen?  Will she have hair?  Will she scream right away?  Will she be smaller or bigger than Coen? Will I get to see her right away or will I have to wait?  Will I be able to nurse or will it be a struggle?  Will I be able to hold her sooner that I could with Coen?

It's a lot and so much so, that I actually broke down and cried at my last appointment because I'm just a little freaked about how this is all supposed to go down.  I really worry about each of these things every time I think about it.  The surgery itself will be easy, I'm sure, but I'm just worried about my recovery.  I'm worried about not seeing Coen.  He's my baby.  And my big boy.  I love the time I get to spend with him and I don't want him to have anxiety about us not being there.

It's just too much to think about all the time, but when I do, it's really, really hard.

Comments

Maria said…
Hi Jill. Your feelings are so like mine were when I was getting ready to deliver my daughter. (My son was older than yours, but we had a difficult birth with him and my daughter was also a scheduled section.) A total stranger told me that it's very simple. You love our kids and they will love each other. It's completely natural and I think you will be surprised by how easily it all unfolds. Not to say there won't be bumps-there are always bumps. Also, I was extremely worried about how my son would do while we were away and he completely blew me away. Yours will too, you'll see. Lots of luck!
Debbie said…
This post came at the prefect time. I'm pregnant also with my second and my kids will be less than 2 years apart. Last night I had a dream that my son was left all alone while I went to the hospital to give birth. I woke up in an anxiety attack and asked a lot of the same questions too did in this post.

My guess is we will both turn out ok in the end and each birthing experience like children will be different but good because of the beautiful children we'll end up with. At least that's what I keep repeating to myself!
Erin said…
I've not yet been to this stage of worrying, but I am certainly a worrier. And all I can say is, no matter what, it'll be ok. Your support system will be there and this is the time to just say YES to help. Take deep breathes and have faith.
M said…
No Need to worry! It will be so great! You will get a good nights sleep and walk into the hospt. ready to meet your little girl.
August 27 I am available to help out with Coen!

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