I have some of my pictures from my camera on one of my photo streams on my iPhone. I like having them there so I can constantly compare how Coen is changing. Unfortunately for me, I didn't get my iPhone until Coen was 3 or more months old, so I don't have my own pictures and videos from him on there. I do have a handful from what S had taken during that time and the other day, I went back and looked at them.
Talk about emotional.
I had a complete ugly cry going on and I couldn't control it for about 10 minutes. It was really tough.
I get worked up about small he was and how different he is now. (Keep in mind that when I was having me breakdown, he was in bed and I was about 5.5 months pregnant.) I was just having a hard time with realizing how quickly time had passed and how fast we are going to have another little one to watch transform and grow into this loving, playful, energy-filled little being! It's heart wrenching how fast it goes. I know that every mom will tell you that before it actually happens and while I had heard it 100 times... my reaction was always the same. I would smile politely and think to myself, that I will only understand when I'm actually experiencing these feelings.
And this night, I realizing how much I was already experiencing what they were all talking about... Talk about a full on. Hot. Mess.
I think about being in the hospital with our new baby and seeing Coen in a totally different light. A big brother, a big huge baby, a baby that is no longer a baby anymore... A baby that is now my toddler and his baby sister as the baby... It's just emotional to think about the growth in our family and how Coen will react. I worry about him when I'm in the hospital. Who will be with him, who will be with me? Who's going to help me out of bed to get our new baby and who will be there to bring him in when I need my Coen fix.... It's just tough to plan when I'm not really sure how it's all going to pan out, but I'm really hoping to have help, just don't know who that will be yet...
But time passing will only get faster as our family grows. I enjoy every minute that I get to spend with Coen and I laugh at everything that he does because he's hilarious and absolutely amazing.
Sometimes, it's just really really tough.