Skip to main content

c-section, revisited

After posting about Coen's 6 month post and looking back through all of the posts prior, I couldn't help but read word for word about his arrival.  I've been reading several birth stories lately and you wouldn't believe how "easily" or naturally some babies arrive and how others just haven't been given a break and end up in c-section.  I think I've said this before, but I really hate that I had to end up in a c-section.  The emotions of pushing my baby through my body with my physical effort was just my dream labor.  I get really emotional about not being able to have experienced that.

Yes, my dr. let me go as long as possible to have that natural delivery.  Yes, my body was just failing me and yes, it was getting scary for Coen too.  Yes, we both were much safer as a result of the c-section, but I still get sad about it.  Maybe it's selfish, but it's just how I feel.

Yes, my lady parts are still in tact.  Yes, my recovery was hard, but it could've been worse.  Yes, I might always have to have a c-section in the future and yes, I could have a VBAC, but do I really want a VBAC?  I don't know.  There are a lot of risks.  I could die.  Our next baby could die.  My insurance may not cover it.  There's just a lot to go along with that decision.  A lot.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately.  Not because I'm going to be faced with the decision soon, but just because it's something I think about.  Yes, having a c-section will be nice the next time around because I could say that I'd want to have my baby at 8:00am on whatever date and I'd have him in my arms at 8:40am... but what will the next time be like?  Will I be full term or will it happen sooner? Will I have a scheduled c-section and not even experience labor again?

It's just a weight that I let bother me constantly I worry about from time to time... And sometimes it really does bothers me.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it all works out.

Has anyone had a successful VBAC?


Allison said…

While I didn't have ANY labor, I also have feelings like my body failed me because I ended up with a C-section. I had a bit more time to process it since E was breech, but it still wasn't (isn't) something I'm totally comfortable with.

As you may (or may not) know, I'm planning on attempting a VBAC this time. Hopefully. If #2 cooperates. I haven't heard too many success stories, which makes me really nervous, but I'm hoping to be able to do it. I feel like I've missed out on something as a woman by not actually going through labor. And, like you, I realize there are positives to the C-section and am just happy that E arrived safely...but I still mourn the loss of that.
M said…
no personal info on this, but I know my sister did a lot of research and attempted a VBAC with Isabelle... I could ask her to share this research with you if you would like...
Kristen said…
I could have written this post - I feel exactly the same way. I have thought back and forth on VBAC and think I'm weighing towards a scheduled c-section with number 2 (no we aren't expecting yet) - just not sure it's worth the risk. But of course I may change my mind when the time comes. I'm sure you will choose the best option for you <3

Popular posts from this blog

that nightmare

Time is passing and permanent/next step decisions AREN'T being made about where our marriage is going.

Not because of anything other than HOPE....

Hope that these changes are real.  I can't deal with an act anymore.  I'm done with those fake attempts.  It just won't work for me.  I can't.

Hope that he really wants to change.  Because he's the only one that can make that decision for himself and not anyone else.

Hope that a new normal is really a possible option.  And not just a glimmer of something that will eventually be shattered and destroyed.

Hope that we could work through all of this and actually land on our feet.  But he has to want to do those things and my guidance won't help him.  He's got to want to do them on his own.  I can't help or ask or guide.  He has to do it.  Alone and with the help of God.

Hope that the narcissistic behaviors are being dealt with in positive ways and won't resurface.  With the help of prayer, guidance from h…

my little model...

There is a blog that I follow of a photographer that I saw at the Delaware County Fair. Her studio is near my home town and her pictures are very vibrant. I enjoy looking at different aspects of photography and I like seeing how didn’t people capture pictures and scenes… I guess you could say I’m envious.

While following her blog, I saw a post that stated Calling All Furry Friends and immediately responded. I have always wanted to have Toby get professional pictures done but I just fear that I wouldn’t pick the right person to capture his personality.

Anyway, as you can read in the link above, there were a handful of photographers at Megan Morgan’s studio and they were all going to be there just to take furry friends pictures.

Of the people that were there two have uploaded their pictures and Toby is in them!

First, Megan Morgan’s blog: Weekend Workshop

Then, Holly McCaig’s blog: Dogs Everywhere

They all captured some great pictures and I can’t wait to get my hands on them so that I …

Starting here..

I know that I haven't really updated this in a long while. I apologize. In the moments it was hard enough to survive, let alone write about it or find time to write about it.

With that said, I've told people over and over again that I'm going to write again, just not sure where to start.
So, today, I'm starting here.
My mom is terminal.  
Words that I cannot believe have to leave my mouth or my fingers.
She's been battling Ovarian Cancer for well over 10 years and this last year or 8 months+ have been just the worst.  Her body is being consumed by cancer and with every day that passes we are just another closer to losing her.
She's fought this whole time and continues to beat the odds that the doctors have placed before her. She's set goals and surpassed them and when the doctors say something, it's like she mentally tells herself that it's just NOT going to happen and she flies by those measurable items.
She's been a rock star and I have known …