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c-section, revisited

After posting about Coen's 6 month post and looking back through all of the posts prior, I couldn't help but read word for word about his arrival.  I've been reading several birth stories lately and you wouldn't believe how "easily" or naturally some babies arrive and how others just haven't been given a break and end up in c-section.  I think I've said this before, but I really hate that I had to end up in a c-section.  The emotions of pushing my baby through my body with my physical effort was just my dream labor.  I get really emotional about not being able to have experienced that.

Yes, my dr. let me go as long as possible to have that natural delivery.  Yes, my body was just failing me and yes, it was getting scary for Coen too.  Yes, we both were much safer as a result of the c-section, but I still get sad about it.  Maybe it's selfish, but it's just how I feel.

Yes, my lady parts are still in tact.  Yes, my recovery was hard, but it could've been worse.  Yes, I might always have to have a c-section in the future and yes, I could have a VBAC, but do I really want a VBAC?  I don't know.  There are a lot of risks.  I could die.  Our next baby could die.  My insurance may not cover it.  There's just a lot to go along with that decision.  A lot.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately.  Not because I'm going to be faced with the decision soon, but just because it's something I think about.  Yes, having a c-section will be nice the next time around because I could say that I'd want to have my baby at 8:00am on whatever date and I'd have him in my arms at 8:40am... but what will the next time be like?  Will I be full term or will it happen sooner? Will I have a scheduled c-section and not even experience labor again?

It's just a weight that I let bother me constantly I worry about from time to time... And sometimes it really does bothers me.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it all works out.

Has anyone had a successful VBAC?

Comments

Allison said…
((HUGS))

While I didn't have ANY labor, I also have feelings like my body failed me because I ended up with a C-section. I had a bit more time to process it since E was breech, but it still wasn't (isn't) something I'm totally comfortable with.

As you may (or may not) know, I'm planning on attempting a VBAC this time. Hopefully. If #2 cooperates. I haven't heard too many success stories, which makes me really nervous, but I'm hoping to be able to do it. I feel like I've missed out on something as a woman by not actually going through labor. And, like you, I realize there are positives to the C-section and am just happy that E arrived safely...but I still mourn the loss of that.
M said…
no personal info on this, but I know my sister did a lot of research and attempted a VBAC with Isabelle... I could ask her to share this research with you if you would like...
Kristen said…
I could have written this post - I feel exactly the same way. I have thought back and forth on VBAC and think I'm weighing towards a scheduled c-section with number 2 (no we aren't expecting yet) - just not sure it's worth the risk. But of course I may change my mind when the time comes. I'm sure you will choose the best option for you <3

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