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fear

Going into labor, I had this thought in the back of my mind.  A thought that I never expressed until after it was all said and done.  A thought that has to do with when I wrote this post and unfortunately the closer my time came to delivery the more I thought about how their life panned out.

I'm not going to lie.  Like all things along this road, if they were negative or brought on anxiety, I tried to just not talk about them for fear that it would make those things actually happen.  So I didn't talk about this with anyone.  I just told my husband that I didn't want to see or find the book until after Coen was here and I was with the both of them.


As my labor progressed, I forgot all about their story and my fear.  I had forgotten about what happened when Liz went to hold Maddy for the first time until it was my turn.  Thinking about the moment I had Coen in my arms for the first time is very emotional.  I wasn't really emotional then, I was just aware (and on a lot of drugs).  I was completely aware that things had worked out for us, that I wasn't having happen to me what happen to Liz.  It was a miracle.

Thinking about that moment now, I'm a wreck.  It was 4 hours after he was born and I was completely out of it, only remembering a few moments from that day.  But seeing him up close and looking into his eyes is a moment I will never forget, no matter how many drugs I was on.  Having him latch for the first time without any problems is another moment I won't ever forget. Those moment I'm completely grateful for and am so lucky I got to experience them with just my husband, my child and our favorite nurse. It's overwhelming, but I'm glad I made it through.

As my time progressed in the hospital, everything seemed to be going well.  Until my blood pressure went way up and wouldn't come back down.  In the same moment, I was also told I had a fever and had an infection on my stomach (cellulitis).  This all was discovered very quickly and while the nurses and staff were great in figuring out what was going on.  I was unfortunately reminded of that fear again.

What was happening to me was new, completely out of my control and scary.  I was being checked for my blood pressure every hour and sometimes sooner.  I was on two different antibiotics and my blood pressure medicine was increased from one dose to the next in about 40 minutes.  It was a little hectic and I couldn't help but worry.

The most worrisome moment was when I was told that I could go home.  I couldn't help but think that once I was home that I was going to have more problems and no nurses to help me.  Or us.

All in all it worked out and about 5 days after being home, I did express this concern.  It was just a fear that I couldn't get over and I couldn't stop thinking about.  Fortunately, it all worked out and about 2 weeks after Coen arrived, my blood pressure was down and my doctor was okay with me stopping my medicine.

Also, my infection was gone around that time too.  It all worked out and my fear has been depleted.

Medicine is scary but like I've told my friends and what I tried to remind myself over and over again...

Labor is something they've been doing for years and I'm not the first to do it.  Doctors do this every day and know what to do.  And they will take care of you.  You just have to trust them.

Comments

Sassytimes said…
I think your fears were completely normal. I was so skeptical of hospitals/doctors when I had Sophia. I had complications that scared the death out of me, but in the end, I had an overwhelming trust in all of those who cared for me. I think it's what I needed to get my faith back. The 2nd time was much less fearful.
Thank you so much for this post and all the others where you have been honest. With my due date drawing closer I must admit I am very anxious and nervous. I am glad to hear someone else expressing their fears and concerns.
OH my, even now just going to that blog makes me emotional. I had 2 blood clots while pregnant with my fourth and I hate to even think what could have happened. It breaks my heart. I totally understand your anxiety.

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