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pain vs. joy

As we quickly approach the 4 year mark of us trying to conceive, I try to think back about all the different emotions that I've experienced along the way.  I think about the time when we were headed out to Disney and we thought we might be pregnant.  I think about the time I had an HCG and the dr. said that we'd have a better chance of getting pregnant for the next 3 cycles, and then that didn't work.  I remember racing to the RE to drop off Mr. Hope's swimmers for a clean before our 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th IUI, and those didn't work either.  I think about the time that we saw our babies heartbeat and then 4 weeks later it was taken from us, with a snap of the fingers.

Gah.... what a roller coaster, it's obnoxious.

No matter what's going on, being a woman sucks and our hormones are always a little wacky.  We can't help it, it's just how we're wired.

What am I trying to say?

Recently I've had a number of friend or acquaintances announce their pregnancies and for whatever reason, my initial response was to think... "wow, that stings."  And then when I hear that these women have been able to get pregnant on the first time and again, I think.... "wow, that really freak stings."

Go with me here people, I'm not trying to be a drama queen.  Later, you will realize that I'm actually headed in the right direction and if after 700 posts you don't realize that I'm a pretty positive person... keep reading.

On my way home from work today, I was feeling really down.  I was thinking about a recent pregnancy announcement and thought, how it just sucks that I can't be in the same shoes as them.  That I can't be in my 16th week, I have to be back at square one, just hoping that someday it will click for us, again.  It's a hard thing to think about and I don't like to do it often because it really won't get me anywhere.

Anyway, so I was thinking about these "pregnant on the first month" women, and I was getting all worked up.  I stepped away from it for a minute, did some chores around the house and then a light bulb went off.

Yes, it does stink for me but who am I to get all worked up about it?  What do I have to do with their pregnancy?  Nothing.  Shouldn't I be over-the-top excited for them?  Ok, maybe that's too much.  But I should be a little more excited than I was first leading on... They got pregnant in 1 cycle.  1 freaking cycle!  That's amazing!  I mean, how great for them that they don't have to experience ANY of the pain that we've been through.  They didn't even get to experience, 2 or 10, 20, 30 then 40+ cycles without a positive response.

It's a great thing.

Just because they got pregnant, has NOTHING to do with my lack of pregnancy. 

So, the sting doesn't exist.  It's just an assumed reaction based on our experience and because I'm a woman.

Plus, everyone is different.  Everyone.  Men, women, everyone!  Just because we're having trouble doesn't mean that everyone should have trouble.  No, absolutely not!  Just like the way it worked for one couple vs. the next.  Maybe one got pregnant on accident.  Maybe one was trying and it work but they were drunk.  Who cares?!?  Everything is different.  While some things might seem to be pretty text book, they really aren't.  Morning sickness, cramps, ovulation, miscarriages, etc... there's a HUGE range and not everyone falls on the same line.

So, now, I just have to remind my hormones to take a freaking back seat and be happy for those that are able to do this (not only on their own) but in a few number of months, or in non at all...

It's a great thing and the suffering, like we have, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Never, ever, ever...

Also, I'm going to forget this at some point and probably break down in tears when hearing another announcement before our next (depending on what day it is for me), but I wanted to at least write it out so that I could say at one point I did have my head screwed on straight.  And I wanted this to be a way to remind myself to shut up and be happy.  Being a lady, you just never know how long keeping your head on straight and hormones under control is going to last...

My apologies for now.

And congrats to all of those that may not have gotten the best reaction, I don't know what my body is doing.


JJ said…
What a sincere way to look at it--It IS important to remember that we can still disconnect ourselves from taking it personally when we hear an announcement--but I know its hard. Thanks for this reminder..
Sarah said…
First off, you are perhaps the MOST positive person I know (or don't really know, know). I wouldn't let anyone argue otherwise!

Second, this is ALL fair. It's fair to give a less-than-perfect reaction to someone else's pregnancy, in light of the struggle that you've had. I remember it all too well.

I also had to remind myself of exactly what you said, that their pregnancies had nothing to do with my struggles. That being said, I was still JEALOUS. Jealousy can be ugly, but it's also a very real emotion, and it's a fair emotion too. I don't think jealousy is always bad, even though we tend to put a negative marker on it.

And here's the kicker: People are jealous of you too. Of your strength, your determination, and your POSITIVE attitude. :)
Josey said…
The reaction of pain is totally understandable - it's definitely my knee-jerk reaction, but you're right that we need to remember to CELEBRATE that these friends and family members didn't have to go through the pain we have. I love your positivity. :)
Leah said…
I absolutely adore this post, because I whole heartedly know why you wrote it and the possibility of forgetting that you ever could have felt this way. We women sure are a mess. :)

I'm glad that you shared this post, so very much!
Krystie said…
I know exactly how this feels.

I had 6 friends announce pregnancy in the time I found I was expecting to the time We MC.

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes you angry, but once you get past that you can see the joy, and the love, and it makes you work that much harder to race towards the finish line.

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