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assumptions suck

I'm really struggling with something lately.

It's a subject that is sort of touchy-feely, but I want to discuss it because it's what's happening and I want to document it.  Plus, I want you all to confirm that I'm not alone here.

So, after my miscarriage, a few friends and acquaintance became pregnant.  While the "knee jerk response" is to be jealous (as the previous comments suggested) or to think about where I would've been (with them) had the miscarriage not happened.  It still stings when they walk around pretending that what happened to us, didn't happen.  And even more when they try to protect me or us, when they don't even know what's going on with us.

The reason I say this?

Well, most of the people that seem worried about me are people that don't know how I'm feeling.  They don't ask me what's going on.  They hear it from the gossip train.  They don't care enough to ask me how I'm feeling or how I'm doing, they just assume.  They think that talking about pregnancy around me is sort of a "hush hush" conversation and in return exclude me from those conversations.  They don't ask me questions because they live in a fantasy world that allows them to believe that getting pregnant without much struggle is reality.  They worry about my feelings but refuse to act like they care.

And, they act this way around my husband.  My husband is a good sport and doesn't get too bent out of shape about this, but he's human too and has feelings.  It's just hurtful.

It's actually really really hurtful.

I had a miscarriage.  I'm not the only one.  I'm not alone and in reality, the way these people act, they act like I'm the only one that this has ever happened too.  We need the support and the love, just as much as our pregnant friends do.  If you ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen, it makes it hurt even more.

While most of these people are not really my close friends, they are still people that I see, know and care about enough, that I ask what's going on with them.  Why can't they do the same?

I had a miscarriage.  It's actually fairly normal and common.  It's not something I had any control over and clearly, if we did, we wouldn't be here....  Most of them have been very lucky about getting pregnant and have had little to no pain along the way.  And the others believe that that's the only way it's going to happen.  The reality that a miscarriage could happen to any one of them at any point in their pregnancy and yet it's like it's not even an option in their minds.

Now, with all of that said, I want to go back to my post from a couple of days ago.

I'm human.  I'm a woman.  I have hormones that I cannot control.  And if this post is just another example of me being a drama queen, then forgive me.  It's reality.

I'm not asking much from these people or anyone, to be frank.

I just want to be included.  I want people to ask me questions.  I want to know what's going on with the others (pregnant or not).  I want you to know what's going on with me and show me that you care.  I want you to be my friend and act as such.  I don't want to be tip-toed around.  And if you pretending like you know what's going on or excluded me and not asked about our process, it's just a lot more painful.  I clearly don't need to talk about your pregnancies every waking minute, but I would like to know what's going on.  And I want you to care about what's going on with me too.

I don't know that this all makes sense but I wanted to put it out there.  I'm not a child, you don't have to protect me.  If you don't understand what's going on with me or if you care enough to worry about me, then maybe you should speak up and ask me what's going on.

That's all.

Assumptions suck.


Sarah said…
I never had a miscarriage, but I completely understand how you are feeling.

Many friends knew of our struggle to get pregnant, and several of them got pregnant in the midst of our struggle. The LAST thing I ever wanted was for them to censor what they said/talked about regarding their pregnancy.

Yes, I was certainly jealous of their situation. Yes, I wished I was them. Yes, I was mad it wasn't me. BUT...they are my friends, I wanted to be a part of their lives and their to-be children's lives. I wanted to share in their happiness!

Like you said in your other post - their success has nothing to do with your failure. And as that is something for you to realize, it's also something for them to realize as well.
Tina said…
So sorry. I totally understand how you feel. I felt the same way about my friends who got pregnant at the same time and knew about our infertility...I think they excluded me from their preg convos and trips to baby stores, etc. because they didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I ended up being more hurt that way. A few years later and now they're willing to talk to me because I am finally pregnant...and I feel weird about those friendships.

With the loss of our twin, some of those friends (who've never miscarried) haven't even mentioned the fact that we lost one or have said we're better off. It's a strange strange world we IFs live in. But I find solace in the IF community because we understand. And I never feel like I have to apologize for feeling the way I do when I'm blogging or talking with other IFs.

HUGS to you from someone who totally gets it. You are not alone. And, in case I haven't said it yet, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Josey said…
Sarah said everything I was thinking as I read this. :)

I've never had a m/c, but just being an IF in general I've been excluded from a ton of conversations, and the hardest thing is very few people EVER ask me anymore how it's it's been so long since we started TTC, my pain & struggle is no longer on their radar.

Ugh, it's hard all around, isn't it?
I'm Molly said…
I'm so sorry, Jill.

Assumptions do suck. In all honesty I would not know to say something unless I was a blog reader. It is through reading blogs that I have become more aware of miscarriage and infant loss. And I know the very WORST thing you can do is to say nothing at all. Or act like that baby never existed. That's why even though I can't personally relate I still always try to comment and hope that my comments gives that person a little more peace.
Quiet Oasis said…
Honestly, I would probably do the same. I would probably not say anything, being afraid that mentioning it would bring up hurt feelings all over again. I'd be afraid you were like "Why does everyone keep asking me how I am? I'm fine. I don't really want to discuss it with anyone other than my closest friends." Some people just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. It doesn't mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say. HTH give another perspective.
Whitney said…
I have to agree with the Oasis comment. I am totally guilty of topic avoidance. BUT it's not because I don't think about it and/or hope and pray you guys could cross "make a baby" off your to-do list!! When the topic is in my head, I often don't initiate a conversation because I just feel guilty (as a fertile myrtle punk, I mean).

What I do know is that your struggle, optimism and ability to share have helped you cope AND have helped countless friends and strangers along the way. I think that's AWESOME.
This post has reminded me a lot of my husband's aunt who lost one of her 3 children when he was 27 - just months before he was supposed to get married.

She's been grieving for years... (Obviously.) That, like your loss, is one that you feel forever.

I remember talking with her once and asking her if she prefered that we bring up her son in regular conversation... or if we shouldn't. She said that she ABSOLUTELY wanted us to bring him up. Mentioning his name, mentioning that he existed... it all helped her grieving process. And helped us all acknowledge that he was here, and now he is not.

Your post (and your feelings!) are so warranted. Your loss and your experience both deserve to be acknowledged and respected.

Big hug to you.

You truly are so brave.
Alyson said…
I've come to learn that people handle situations very differently. If they don't know you that well they may not know how to approach the topic so they just avoid it. They may feel more comfortable asking other people about you then actually asking you themselves. I've been around you enough to know that you are always fun and up-beat to be around. Maybe they think that bringing up the topic or asking would ruin the mood or hurt your feelings causing conflict. I'm not trying to defend these people I'm just trying to look at it from a different angle. Maybe there hasn't been a good time to bring it up or have a talk with you. I don't think some people exclude others on purpose, I just think they don't know what to say and sometimes its easier just to avoid it all together which is hard when all you want is some support.
Annie said…
I think that sometimes people (especially pregnant people!) may avoid you and the topic of loss not so much to spare your feelings, but because you and your loss are a reminder that things can go very wrong. Babies can die. Very bad things can happen to very good people. I feel like lots of people have avoided me since my losses and ignored the fact that my babies existed, all to make themselves feel better. No one wants a shadow cast on their glorious happiness. It's as if people think babyloss is contagious - they stay far away.

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