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the day our world flipped upside down...

Before I get started with this post, I must warn you about a few things:

1. It's probably going to be long.

2. Before I could actually start writing this, I had to remind myself that this blog is for me.  For my husband.  For documentation of our journey. It's the truth with very little fluff and I write it for us.

3. I'm not a doctor.  I'm not trying to say what I'm typing is what happens to everyone.  I'm just writing what I was told in my case of this all happening.  I'm not saying that it won't happen again and I'm not saying that I know exactly what I'm talking about.  Most of what I'm writing is coming from memory so if it's wrong, don't hold it against me.

When we first found out that we were pregnant, it was very strange for me.  After almost 4 years of trying and finally seeing a positive pregnancy test, it was almost surreal.  I had a hard time believing that it actually worked.  I mean, I knew that it had but it was just weird to have it stop being a struggle all of a sudden.  It was an enormous weight lifted but almost unbelieveable that it was just gone.  That for the next 8 months, I would be without a period.  No more bleeding.  Nothing.

At first, it was especially surreal because we weren't telling anyone.  We told our immediate family and a few close friends but that was it.  We weren't going to say anything more than that until about 8 to 12 weeks, depending on who it was.  Since no one knew, I wasn't really talking about it unless I was with my husband and while we were giddy with excitement, it still didn't seem real.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who is an ultrasound tech.  We met 2 or 3 years ago at another friends house and have become best buds over time.  {To give her a code name for when I talk about her doing an undercover ultrasound, I thought I might call her UU, but that's boring, so I'm going to call her Yo-yo.}

Anyway, I was scheduled with my dr. for my first ultrasound on June 17th.  I knew that Mr. Hope wouldn't be able to make it because for the 3rd time, I had scheduled it on a day that wouldn't work.  I didn't do this on purpose.  It was just how it worked out and it was all that they had available.  So because he couldn't come with me, I asked Yo-yo to do a ultrasound for us on Tuesday 6/16 so that Mr. Hope could see what I was going to see.

We get to the hospital and she does a scan on my belly only to see that it's probably going to be better with the trans-vaginal.  So we get that scan going and after a few minutes, I can tell that something isn't right.  I wasn't sure that something was wrong at first, I could just tell that she was having a hard time with whatever she was looking for.  Over time, I could tell that it just wasn't right, that something was actually wrong.  I still wasn't sure what it was, because while I had already had two ultrasound from Yo-yo, I wasn't a professional.  I wasn't sure what she was searching for and I wasn't sure what was missing.  It was still so new.

After a few deep sighs, she says she's having trouble locating the heartbeat. 

Then seconds later, she says, "guys, I can't find a heartbeat." 

After a few questions, a flooding of tears, we closed up shop and went home.

While it was nice to find out that news like that with S. there, it still wasn't fun news to hear.  The last thing I wanted Yo-yo to have to tell us, was bad news.  That night, we were pretty upset.  Not only because we didn't have a heartbeat in our little "spud" but we didn't know what the next step would be for us!  We had to wait another 2 days to hear what we'd need to do next.  If you know me at all, you know that this was a big deal because I like a plan, I need a plan and without a plan I'm very lost.

So, Tuesday night, we finally find sleep.

And then Wednesday goes by.

Then Thursday finally arrives.

I go to my dr.'s appointment with the tech at 8:00am and while I was excited to be there, I was upset to know that I'd hear the same news about the heartbeat again.  It was still hard to hear and to see, but at least I was in the right spot to hear what would happen next.

As I think I said before, our baby was measuring at 8w3d and it should've been measuring at 9w4d.  So it had passed away a week prior to this scan.

The tech has a nurse come in to tell me that my dr would be in, in about an hour but that I could meet with another dr to talk about why this happens and what would be the next step.  It was a male dr that I had never met before, but he was really nice and kind and I felt comfortable talking to him.

He explained that miscarriages don't usually happen for one specific reason.  It wasn't because I wasn't taking the right supplements, it wasn't because we had intercourse, it wasn't because I ran, it wasn't because I had a sip of beer, it wasn't because I slept on my right side from time to time, it wasn't because I wasn't eating enough protein and it wasn't because I had lifted anything heavy.  Most of these things I hadn't done anyway, but they go through all the different situations just to give you some ideas on what could/would or more likely wouldn't cause this.

He went on to say (remember I'm not a dr. and I'm just going by memory) that miscarriages happen because somewhere along the lines, cell structures are starting to form/create they realize that it's not working and they aren't able to form correctly, so they stop.  It's nothing that we could've prevented.  It's nothing that we did to cause this to happen.  It's something completely out of our control.

From there, we talk about the options.  At this point, I didn't have any passing of blood.  No new blood, no old blood, no spotting, no cramping, no discomfort, nothing...  So, at this point, I had three options, none of which I had to do, any of them I could choose to do...  1. I could wait for things to happen on their own and I could wait for that to happen, with no real date as to when things might start to happen.  2. I could have a pill inserted by the dr. to help move things along naturally and I would know that in about 72 hours things would start to move along.  Or 3. I could schedule a d&c.

At this point, I had already made up my mind that I didn't want to go through the emotional pain of passing this baby on my own.  I was almost 9 weeks and knew that it would be pretty substantial.  Not only that, but I wanted to experience as little physical pain as I could.  I knew that a d&c would be a big procedure, but I just wanted it done with.  Luckily for me, my dr. said that they would be able to do the procedure as early as the same day and as late as sometime next week.  They weren't pushing me to do one or the other, they just wanted me to see the options. 

They didn't say that waiting would be better than doing it the same day and they didnt' say that doing it today would be better than next week, it was just whatever we were comfortable with.  Plus, they wanted to work it out with my schedule.  After we went back and forth a bit, my dr was bound to arrive.

So, I spend about 30 minutes with this other dr. and by the time I'm done talking to him, I'm moved to another room and wait for a few minutes more.  About 10 minutes later, a surgical scheduler comes to get me and bring me to her office so that we could get started on paperwork and start talking more specifically about dates and times.  I also had to get in communication with my husband to see when he'd be available to help me.

My dr. ran into the surgical scheduler's office, talked to me quickly and made me feel so good about this choice, then said she'd hopefully see me later today.  There is just something about my dr. that is just so relaxing and calming, even in this crazy situation.  I really like her!

After some paperwork, some texts to S., I was on my way home to wait to hear when my surgery would be.  I was hardly down the road and I was getting a call from the dr's office saying that it would be at 4:30pm on 6/17 and that I'd have to report to the hospital for blood tests at 2:30pm.  So at that point, to go all the way to my office (almost 80 miles round trip), I decided it would best to just stay home.

So I changed my clothes, ate some lunch, took a nap and before I knew it, I was out the door with Yo-yo taking me to the hospital until S. could be there.  When I first got there, I went to get some blood drawn and luckily register for my surgery at the same time.  From there I was walked down to out-patient surgery and waited for some of the nurses to come in and out of my room, getting everything ready.  Before I knew it, S. was there and they were trying to get my IV started. 

This is where I start to get a little freaked out.

First of all, and one point I forgot to make earlier, but when I was at the dr. and I decided to go ahead with the procedure that same day, they said that I couldn't anything for the rest of the day.  Not only that, but I hadn't eaten anything anyway.  So now, I couldn't even take a drink a water, nothing!  By the time they go to start my IV, I'm bone dry and my veins are just tiny and looking like dental floss.  After searching around for a bit, she finds one that she things will work.  She starts it and immediately I feel pain and stinging.  Oh man, that hurt.  And then before I knew it, my vein blew.  OHHHHHHhhhhhhh, that's why I have so much pain in my hand.  Grrrrrrrr...  So they waited a few minutes and then tried the other hand.  I scared the one nurse away so the other one tried and got it on the first try!  THANK GOD!

Sat there for a little while, then had a few people come in and out, then Yo-yo left.  Shortly after that, I was headed to pre-op where I would have to leave S. and go and wait by myself.  My dr. stopped in to tell me she had to take care of another patient and that she could be back and some other nurses came by to just reassure me that they were ready.  They gave me some meds to help me relax and something else to just get me prepped for surgery.  Then it took a little longer with the other patient than they thought, so I was moved to post-op so that S. could come by.  We hung there for a little bit and then about 1 hour later, we were ready to go.  (My dr was busy delivering a baby and when it was born a little chimed played, which was sort of sweet and sad, all in the same moment.)

When I made the move to the surgery table, I started to get emotional again, for the 100th time that day and then before I knew it, I was in recovery talking about my blood type.  The nurses and the dr's were great.  Unfortunately I had arrived at the hospital at 2:30pm and by the time I was recovered, eating and feeling better, it was almost 10:30pm. 

Wow, what a day.

Thursday after the surgery, I was a little shaky and needed to eat!  Friday, 6/18 was actually really good.  Had some light bleeding, but all in all it was okay.  Saturday, I was probably the worse day for not only pain but bleeding.  I got through it and think that I'm almost 100% recovered being almost 5 days later.  Feels good to be without physical pain, for now.

From what I understand, we could start trying again at any time, but the recommended would be to wait 2 cycles before we really start trying.  I need to have at least one full cycle before we make the move to have that start to happen again.  And, they say that after a d&c you have a better chance of conceiving again... We're hoping that is the case but won't be surprised if we have issues again.  My dr. said that she'd be okay either way, but would suggest waiting 2 cycles.

So, that's it.

That's how this week played out.

We're okay.

We're dealing and we know that good things will come again...

Thanks for all of your support, as always...


Leah said…
Oh hunny. My heart just literally stopped. I'm so very sorry to hear this, but can't help but cling to the POSITIVE. As in the actual positive, it happened. You created a baby! It WILL happen again and I will continue to pray for you guys.
Dre said…
I am still thinking about you guys and wishing you a speedy physical recovery. Not that it is any comfort right now, but I believe they are correct about being more apt to get a bfp after a d/c. My sister had a d/c at 12 weeks (baby measured almost 9 weeks) and she got pregnant the next cycle. That is not the only time I have heard of that either. Take care of yourself!
One Pork Chop said…
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it's probably therapeutic for you to write everything out. I'm so very sorry for you, but good things are still to come for you and Mr. Hope. I am sure of it.
Abby said…
Oh sweetie I am so, so sorry. As I sit here and read your story with tears running down my face, the raw emotions of March 2009 in my book open right back up. I Went through a very similar situation and nothing can make it better but time. Healing takes time and as you can see, those emotions even a year later are still very real to me, and will be to you for some time.

This pregnancy will always have a very special place in your heart, but you now have a guardian angel that will be looking over you and your husband until that one day you will get to meet each other.

Please, if you have any questions about recovery, emotionally, physically, anything, please don't hesitate to email me. This is a club that no one even wants to be a part of, but if we have to have a membership card, then we can at least lean on each other for support.

My email is:

Hang in there. I promise, it will get better.

Leigh said…
Oh, Jill. I am so, so very sorry to read this news. I just can't believe this and I'm so sorry for the roller coaster you and your husband must be on. I'm so heartbroken for you guys.

I must say, I'm still so impressed by the grace with which you are handling things and that you remain, even through this, a positive person. You are an inspiration.

Best wishes for you both during this difficult time. (((HUGS)))
Big, big hug.

And, I cannot thank you enough for being so transparent with all of us.

You are a phenomenal woman, Jill. Incredible.
Thanks for sharing all the details with us. I'm glad you're doing better. I saw a dead bird on my run today so let me know if you figure out what it means. Positive thoughts being sent your way!
from C to C said…
Thank you for sharing your story with us, hoping you will continue to heal physically & emotionally quckily.
the grumbles said…
thanks for writing about it, even though it's tough.
Danica said…
I'm so terribly sorry you had to go through all of that. It's so difficult, personal and painful. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for whatever is suppose to happen next.
JackieMac said…
Girl - I am so very sorry to read this - I know the pain all too well - when they say there is no heartbeat on the ultrasound table -I know how it feels and the pain and sadness that comes over you - I am so very truly sorry you lost the baby - I know there is not other words that will make you feel better. (((HUGS)))
The Two of Us said…
I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. So crazy that I came across your blog tonight. I am actually going through the same exact thing right now. We found out on Wednesday
(7-7) that we had lost the heartbeat our baby had once had. Would have been 9 weeks... I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday and I am so nervous about it. I tell myself a million times a day that we are not the first people to go through this but it is just so tough! I hope to come through as you did and have the same positive thoughts about the next time around:) Best of luck to you as you begin trying agian.

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