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continued pain

Father's Day.

If you remember, we found out that we were pregnant the day after Mother's day.  So as much as it would've been fun to know on that day, we didn't and that was fine.  However, with Father's day approaching, I was looking forward to celebrating with S. because who doesn't love the idea of becoming a parent, right?

So, Father's day came and went.  I didn't say anything to S. because I just didn't feel like it was appropriate and it was all so fresh in our memory that it was still to painful to talk about.

The day following, I wrote S. an email that basically stated that I didn't think that Father's day and had came and gone without mentioning.  I wanted to mention it but with all the pain that I could see in his eyes and body expressions, I knew that it was best to have it go un-said.  With that, I also said that although we are parents to our little "spud" anymore, we were the best parents that he could've had. 

I wrote him this email straight from my heart, because I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him in person because I'd just be too emotional about it.  But then, as I'm writing, I realize that I'm sitting at my desk crying anyway...

He did say that he was happy I didn't say anything on that day and while it was hard to not acknowledge it, it was better to not.  We'll get our chance to celebrate those days.  For all we know, we might have a baby by this time next year. 

Or at least, we hope...


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Starting here..

I know that I haven't really updated this in a long while. I apologize. In the moments it was hard enough to survive, let alone write about it or find time to write about it.

With that said, I've told people over and over again that I'm going to write again, just not sure where to start.
So, today, I'm starting here.
My mom is terminal.  
Words that I cannot believe have to leave my mouth or my fingers.
She's been battling Ovarian Cancer for well over 10 years and this last year or 8 months+ have been just the worst.  Her body is being consumed by cancer and with every day that passes we are just another closer to losing her.
She's fought this whole time and continues to beat the odds that the doctors have placed before her. She's set goals and surpassed them and when the doctors say something, it's like she mentally tells herself that it's just NOT going to happen and she flies by those measurable items.
She's been a rock star and I have known …