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What if?

A few weeks ago, this thread was posted on Stirrup Queen's website and I participated in Project IF...

(This image is sized weird so I'm sorry for the blank space & I'm sorry that I can't spell.)

When I wrote this, I remember it being really emotional for me and really hard to not tear up while writing this.  So let me take a minute and spell this out and also include some more "What ifs?" that will better fit into the categories spelled out on the "part 2" section of Project IF.

 I'm going to start with a new "What if?"...

Category:  How infertility impacts your emotional health.

What if I get so depressed and wrapped up in the fact that we don't have control over this process that it hurts my marriage and my relationship with my husband?

Throughout different phases of our infertility struggle, this has been something to really weigh on me.  At first, I always thought that this was my struggle and because it wasn't happening like we thought that I was letting him down.  As we dug further into our journey, it was all about us and what we weren't accomplishing together.  Now, it's gotten to a point where we are both trying to stay calm but it's very disappointing when it just doesn't work.

So to be raw, what if never works?  What if I'm not meant to be pregnant? What if we run out of money and can't afford any other treatments or procedures?  What if...

(edited to add)We've been through a lot.  I've had surgery, tests, procedures and so has my husband.  We've had out ups and downs, and nothing has worked.  According to our dr.'s we don't have anything standing in our way.  Our bodies should be processing everything as normal, it just hasn't yet.

I don't know how you operate but when you're working toward a goal and you are not able to accomplish it over several days, weeks, months and years, it's very hard to wrapped your head around.  In regards to the comment that I edited to add and comment about... If you haven't tried to become pregnant or conceive, it's hard to understand.  It doesn't work on command and when it doesn't work for years you start to get a little nutty about what you aren't doing right to make it work.  You also become more consumed when you have dr. after dr. tell you that "you have nothing wrong with you, it's just not working."

Yes, we want our own baby.  We want to be parents and we want to duplicate our DNA.  That's a big deal and a goal that we've had since we met.  Wouldn't you want to do the same if given the opportunity?

Adoption is something that we've talked about but it's not a process that we're willing to commit to yet.  We haven't exhausted all of our options and we haven't gotten the point where we just want to parents and we don't care where the child comes from.  Plus, adoptions isn't cheap either.  While there are plenty of children out there that need a home, we're just not ready to take that step yet.  It's a great role for a lot of people and those who take that path probably wouldn't change it for the world.  I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, I'm just saying that we want our own baby that we make together.  What a miracle that would be?! (end edit)

It's an emotional roller coaster and while it will (hopefully) eventually work, we have to stick together and keep each other happy along the way.  We have to stay positive and know that someday, it will work.  We have to keep our heads up and out of the sand.  We have to be happy for those that are able to conceive even when it's hard to believe it happened for them on one try.  We have to not think that we are the only ones that are going through this and we have to just stay positive.  It's going to work and we'll be pregnant, just not yet.

So, with that, I'm going to leave you with a few links to help further your support and education about the whole process and journeys that others have been on too....

Happy May!

Some links for you to reference:

What is Infertility?

IFComm 101 - - - What if?

Heir to Blair - NIAW

Resolve

Stirrup Queens

Edited to mention a comment left & added below:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "What if?":



"It's one thing to keep a positive outlook in life, it's another to be realistic. I'm a little older than you and what I've learned is that we don't always get everything we want in life. I'm sorry but the fact is you may not get pregnant. You are setting yourself up for a huge fall if you don't at least admit this is a possibility. The good news is that you can be parents, if that is really your wish. (If it is not just about replicating your own DNA. )There are so many children that need homes, loving homes. There are a 100,000 kids in foster care in the US waiting and hoping to be adopted. Many of them will not get this opportunity. Why don't you ever even consider adoption? You could actually help someone. Your obsession with your own fertility is very selfish. Look beyond yourself and you might get what you want in ways you never imagined."

To my commentor, while I'm posting your comment without a name and bringing some more attention to it than other comments, I wanted to remind you that, while I welcome your opinoin, this is my blog. This is my life with my husband and while you might be older than me, I don't feel that your opinion about parenting or accusations about being "obsessed" with my own fertility is something that I should have to listen to.  Why, when you know that your bodies should procreate, wouldn't you try and try and try until it works?  Why wouldn't you want to replicate your own DNA and create a life of your own?  Why is this such a selfish thing to try to accomplish?  Why wouldn't you want to see this actually happen?

I would never say that those other children aren't worth it.  I would never say that I would NEVER want to adopt, I'm just saying that right now, we're just focused on doing this ourselves.  Why is it not okay to just be obsessed?  We want a baby.  We want to be parents to that child and love her because she is ours.  I'm not saying that if we were to adopt that it wouldn't be the same way.  We would love that baby as if it was ours too, but we're just not there yet.

Questions for you, oh anonymous one... how long have you been reading my blog?  Do you have any children?

Lastly, I appreciate you suggesting that I think outside of the box (as if I hadn't already) and allow for us to see other options (again, as if we hadn't already), however, we're not to that point.  Thank you for your comment and next time, leave your name or link.  Thank you!



Comments

It's hard to stay happy for those that conceive after one month of trying but I try to look at it as it's just practice for when my time comes.
Anonymous said…
It's one thing to keep a positive outlook in life, it's another to be realistic. I'm a little older than you and what I've learned is that we don't always get everything we want in life. I'm sorry but the fact is you may not get pregnant. You are setting yourself up for a huge fall if you don't at least admit this is a possibility. The good news is that you can be parents, if that is really your wish. (If it is not just about replicating your own DNA. )There are so many children that need homes, loving homes. There are a 100,000 kids in foster care in the US waiting and hoping to be adopted. Many of them will not get this opportunity. Why don't you ever even consider adoption? You could actually help someone. Your obsession with your own fertility is very selfish. Look beyond yourself and you might get what you want in ways you never imagined.
hopefuls #1 said…
I'm loving the new people that are commenting. Your opinions are appreciated and welcomed.

Crossing Your Fingers: I'll be interested to hear how your journey goes...

Anonymous: Next time leave your name or link.
Sarah said…
There really are no words that anyone can say, or comment, to make things easier or better - but know that there are many, many people you don't even know that are praying for your infertility struggles to end. Some of us who have similar stories, and some who were lucky enough to be successful on the "first try."

There is NOTHING selfish about what you are doing, or how you are feeling, or how you want to bring a child into your lives. Adoption is a good option - but only for those who are ready for it. (I'm kind of appalled by your comment anon.)
Jenny said…
I will never understand how trying to have a biological child of your own is selfish.

I hope you kick infertility's ass very soon.
Anonymous said…
SLAM! You go girl. Don't let someone tell you how to think or feel. She read your blog at her choice- it is YOURS right! Why do you have to even pretend like you care about adopting other kids- this is not a blog to prove that you can be politically correct. This is your thoughts and feelings so if you hate the idea of adoption and would never consider it then why should you have to say it.
Love the blog controversy.
Nikki
trish said…
gulp! wow Jill...you done gone and pee'd in somebodies frosted flakes I think.

I don't think its selfish to want a baby of your own. Adoption is a beautiful wonderful amazing gift - for those that are called to it. Listen to your heart, you'll know where it leads you. I have a friend at work, could not get pregnant. Totally gave up. 7 years later, out of the blue, baby comes along. They were thrilled. You just never know what the journey includes for you.

Stinks. I pray for ya a lot. Hang in there...

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