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So, I've been debating about writing about this, since it's a more private moment and it's not even mine to share.

Someone I know, fairly closely (related by blood), had a miscarriage.

I didn't find out from her.  I didn't find out from her husband.  I didn't find out from her family.  I didn't even find out from MY family.  Well, I sort of found out from my family. 

Follow me here.....

My sister's, good friend's mom, is friends with this person's mom.

When it happened, apparently it was a huge deal in their family and everyone was trying to get involved.  Trying to take care of her and make sure they were okay.  It didn't turn out well, because she just wanted to be alone.  She wanted to be at home with her husband and have no one bother her or them.

She didn't answer her phone, she didn't call people back, she wasn't communicating in any way and because of that people started to really tear into them.  They were saying that they should've at least called to say they were okay but just to leave us alone.  They should've been up front.

Instead they were vague and then TOTALLY and utterly removed.

The reason this is ackward is because I want to talk to her about it.  It's not my place and we really aren't that close (even though we should be), but I feel like it might be helpful to have someone who is struggling to talk to about what's going on.

Maybe it's not my place and maybe I won't ever say a word about it, but I kinda just want to know what's going on and let her know that she has support around her, you know?

Anyway, it's a little ackward.  It happened a few months ago now and for all I know they could be pregnant again by now.  I would never know until her family or my family tells us.  She wouldn't ever call me and tell me, but I would want to know.

Seems a little strange that her family was all over her like that.  I heard from my sister that her mom even drove 3 hours to come to her house to make sure she was physically ok and they wouldn't even answer the door.

What a mess...

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys and to get your imput, because I've never had this happen.  What would you want in that situation?  Would you want people coming out of the woodwork to talk to you about it?  Would you want an email?  Would you want a card?  A phone call?  Nothing at all?  What should I do, if anything?  Suggestions?


One Pork Chop said…
Hmm, since she's given every indication that she'd rather not discuss it with anyone, I would probably not attempt to contact her at this point - especially since it's been a few months since it happened. It may just re-hash some bad memories that she's trying to get over at this point.

When anyone is hurting, I usually just give them the opportunity to speak when they want to speak. Not everyone wants to talk about tragedy, some people prefer just dealing with it on their own or coming out on their own terms.

I know you mean well, and I'm the same way - I always want to try to help everyone and take away their pain.
Sarah W said…
I agree...if I were in your position, I would probably leave it alone. If you were close with her, perhaps it would be different. In my experience, friends who have had this happen (that I know of) have told me weeks later because they want to deal with it on their own. I can't say for sure, but I think that's how I would be too.
Amy Christine said…
i honestly don't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I've (thankfully) never had it happen. But I CAN say that no matter what I decided was my coping mechanism, I would want people to RESPECT it! So what if you don't agree that they wanted to be left alone?! That's how they wanted it, and no one needs to be making their lives any more difficult right now than they already are. When they are ready, they will talk. And THEN you can be concerned and supportive. But until then, people should be respectful and back off.
Amy said…
From what you've posted, it sounds like they would rather deal with this on their own. I would leave them alone. If you were closer, I might suggest just mailing a card letting her know you're thinking of her, but since they're keeping private, that may even be too much.

Sounds like the family really went overboard with making sure she was "ok". It probably only made it harder.
Quiet Oasis said…
I've never miscarried. But given the fact that they didn't tell you/family, etc, and also that they didn't even want a visit from their mom.... I'd go with "don't say anything to her." Maybe in the future, if presented with the right moment, you could mention your own struggles w/ fertility, pregnancy, etc and see if she brings it up.

Its hard... "we" always want to help. But sometimes doing nothing is the best help.
hopefuls #1 said…
I'm not going to say anything. I've decided that it would only bring us closer and I don't want to have a relationship with her based on our struggles. I also don't want to open that box of worms with someone in my family yet. Espeically someone who isn't that close to me. I'd rather it be my mom or sister.

Thanks for letting me talk that one through ladies!
(I think it shows that you absolutely have a heart of gold that you want to talk to her. You're empathy is truly admirable and authentic. Way to be awesome.)
Alyson said…
I'm glad you decided not to say anything. I think it would only make things worse. It sounded like they just wanted to deal with it themselves. I have a close friend whose had 2 miscarriages. Its definitely something hard to deal with. She's talked to me about both of them but on her own. I have never said anything to her even though I had heard from a different friend. I figured she would tell/talk to me when she was ready and she did.
I can't believe her family was so intrusive. You did the right thing by not saying anything. Its so hard to know what to do in situations like that.
Suzy said…
I'm glad you decided not to discuss it with her...she will come around.

I recently mis-carried my first pregnancy and let me tell you...I was completely devastated! We had been trying for two years to get pregnant and finally, the little blessing I had hoped for was taken away from me for reasons I will never understand.

I also took the route of avoidance...I couldn't justify the questions nor did I want other people's sympathy to send me in yet another whirlwind of emotions!

There will come a time when she wants to talk about...but until then, stear clear of the subject!

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