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tried and true

I'm only writing this because I told you guys from the get go, that I would be true to you and not hold anything back.  I also feel that I should document that I'm having a rough time, but different than the times before.

Like you know (I think that I told you guys that...), a friend of mine is letting me borrow her Clear Blue Fertility Monitor.  It was a great little thing and seemed to work on the first cycle just fine.  Now knowing that I should've reset it, I have sense done that and now we're on cycle #2 with this little gadget.

I secretly was hoping that it was going to work, but then if I were going to announce anything, I was just going to say, that clearly we weren't doing it right.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  We're still doing things right, they just (still) aren't working.

Anyway, so with aunt flow here, I've been really down on myself.  It's typical I know but for me it takes a few days to get over it and get back into the up-swing.  It's much more helpful when my nurse or dr. is telling me what to do. It's a little more challenging when you are just doing it on your own.  The little CBFM is cute because it's a daily (morning) reminder of where we are and what we have to look forward to.  It was also amazing how quickly our cycle passed this month without too much thought.

We're giving it another try this month, since we still have to save money for the next cycle.  We're taking 3 months and then we are back to the RE for more drugs and another IUI, if this "trying on your own thing" doesn't work.

So, now, the reason for my post.

I've had this awful feeling the last 8 hours that we will never get pregnant.  Like, I started tearing up thinking about what would happen.  Would we pay for everything that we could, get extra jobs to pay for more and keep going until we got the result that we want?  Do we adopt?  What do we do?

My husband was so kind and so sweet, as he is most of the time (ha!) and said... "That thought cannot cross your mind, that is part of the problem... You need to remain positive. there are so many stories of people that try and it finally happens."

It's a hard question to answer, but we're going to keep trucking along.  We aren't running out of time, per say, but we want to have things happen sooner than later.

So hoping that it just happens and we don't have to fork out anything else.  It's something we want really badly but we don't want to get to a point where we've spent all of our money on fertility treatments and have nothing left to live on once it does work!

Some day... Some day...

Comments

Some days I think you read my mind and write exactly what I think. However, not nearly as far into trying, I've already tried to face that facts that we may never be parents. That our life as it is now, is our life forever. Hubs, and others', might call me negative but I'm just a realist. Good luck girl...whenever I feel hopeless, I always think of your blog and how hopeful you are to give me motivation to keep on truckin'...
Julie said…
I'm wishing you all the very best and sending as much baby dust as I can possibly send your way! I hope it will happen for you soon. Good luck!
Blondie said…
Ugh, I've been having that SAME thought this week. It's so hard, isn't it? When will it happen for me, will it ever happen for me, what if...

It is strangely comforting to hear other people say the same things that I am thinking. Like, I'm not a crazy person! I'm not alone!

I wish you the best of luck!
Hillary said…
(((hugs))) I'm sorry AF is here and the dark thoughts that come with it. I can definitely relate.
Amy said…
((HUGS)) No words, just positive thoughts coming your way.
mrs.leah.maria said…
It's so hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I'm glad that the hubs is able to support you!
Danica said…
My heart hurts for you because I know how hard you have tried. I was in your shoes once and I know how emotionally painful it is. I'm staying positive for you though and sending good thoughts and baby dust. HUGS
Alyson said…
I'm so sorry! Thinking of you! Call me if you need to talk.

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