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heavy

{Let me start by saying if you are an IN REAL LIFE friend that reads my blog, please do NOT pass over "Disclosure #3, thank you!}

Disclosure: Failure. Disappointment. Both of those words are something that I struggle with a lot.  Being that we're in our 40th cycle of trying, I can't help but have those words RING in my head.  It's immensely frustrating but I/we have to keep being positive and optimistic and stop feeling so heartbroken.  The emotional roller coaster that unexplained infertility can send you on is something you don't wish on your worst enemy.  We've been dealing with it for 40 cycles.  The pain and suffering we know will pay off and we WILL overcome this hiccup.  It's a test and God is in charge.  We know this.

Disclosure #2: If I've ever been negative about a pregnancy announcement, or if I've directed this frustration toward you and your joy, PLEASE forgive me.  It's not that I'm not excited.  It's just that it's hard.  Some days are a LOT better than others and vice versa.  Some days are a LOT worse than others too.  If you've been trying for any length of time and aunt flow rolls around, you too would have some frustration that you might vocalize.  It's nothing that you can prevent.  We're women and wired to have loopy days.  Most of the time when I'm bold, rude, unappreciative or  negative, it's probably because we've had another cycle fail.

- - - - - - - - - - > Disclosure #3 {the heaviest of all, and mostly relates to my IRL (in real life)friends}:  After stating the top two disclosures above, I wanted to make sure to say the most important one of all.  If you are my friend and you are trying, if you are pregnant, if you want to become pregnant, if you are already pregnant, PLEASE (please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE) don't be afraid to tell me!  You're my friend and have always been a support person in my life, why can't you let me be that to you, especially during this time?  You may feel strange talking to me about this step in life since we've have no success yet, but I'm still here to listen.  It's not going to hurt me.  If anything, I want to hear the process and progress.  Everyone is different and I'd like to know how you are succeeding or hurting so that I can help support you.  I don't want you to feel like you need to hide anything from me.  I'd rather know than not know and I don't want you to feel as though you're going to hurt my feelings.  I'm human and so are you... we are also women that have our good days and bad days.  If it's a day that I feel I can't support you, I will tell you.  I will be as open as I have been with you and I would expect the same from you.  Plus, I want to be just as happy for you as you would be for me.  Someday we're going to blessed.  I know that we will.

{big sigh}

With all of that said, I will move on with my post.

Over the last few weeks, there have been an extreme amount of pregnancy announcements (like more than 20), both in real life, in blogs and on the local nest boards.  It's been MORE than overwhelming.

At first, I was happy.  I was on the 24, 25 & 26th day of my cycle, the announcements were making me wonder if I was going to be joining these women soon, I was on a high from all of the good news... And then the shit hit the fan.

Aunt Flow showed up on the night of the 26th day of my last cycle. {groan}

{More on this later.  I know, a total cliff hanger, but it's got to stop.  For now.}

I wanted to address these announcements....

I was just talking to my friend Alyson yesterday and she announced that her and her husband were expecting!!!  She was so kind and calm about sharing this news with me, as she knows about our journey and didn't want to hurt me or upset me by telling me this good news.

Here's her and her husband on their wedding day...



Wasn't she just a beautiful bride?  Her husband looks pretty handsome too!  :)

Anyway, she announced her pregnancy to me and it was sort of eye opening for me.  I mean, I was OF COURSE more than thrilled that this cycle worked for them, but also, I was so happy that they weren't struggling anymore.

No matter how long you work at trying to conceive, when it doesn't work, you are completely disappointed.  It's just not fun.  For most people that have been trying or have talked about trying, their friends know what's going on.  They see them through the ups and downs and when it finally takes place, it's overwhelming joy!  If you don't share this information, that's fine too, but when you do it makes it easier to be happy for the person that has been working toward a goal.  Some people feel like it's jinxing themselves if they talk about it but someone has to know what's going on.  You can't be a completely closed book.  And why wouldn't you want the support along the way.

So anyway, when she announced her pregnancy she said she didn't want to hurt me.

I told her, "I have to be excited for my friends."  The ones that I know are trying, makes it easier for me to be happy for!  The ones that I don't know anything about and it appears as though it just happened over night, makes my feathers ruffled.  When those announcements happen, I find myself CONSTANTLY asking questions... were you trying?  did you struggle?  were you seeing an RE?  how long did you try?  where were you in the infertility procedures?  what drugs were you taking?  etc.... You know, those questions that are sort of left unanswered and make you think that it just happened with no thought at all.

I don't know if I'm making sense...

Basically what I'm saying is that even though I'm/we're struggling, I am happy for you.  Period.  I just have a hard time vocalizing it during certain days of the month.

Also, I'd like to make an apology to the girls on the nest board for being a little too vocal at the end of my cycle just last week.  It was a day that wasn't good for me and I felt like what I said, needed to be said.  I'm just being truthful and honest.  That's why I set this blog up.  To just tell it like it is...  And I'm sorry if I offended any of you.

Last thing.  I'm not going to elaborate on this much now, but I wanted to let you know that we have moved forward with the next steps/procedures.

{I have posts that will be written later to tell you more about what we're doing.  I'm just not prepared to share that information with everyone yet.}

Comments

Kristal said…
You were one of the people I thought of when I announced on my blog that I was pregnant, especially because we weren't trying. I would have 100% understood if you wouldn't have read anymore or would have stopped commenting. But instead, you've followed every step of the way and left one encouraging comment after another. I've been blown away by your grace and support many times. And I think your disclosure #3 just proves that even more.

I'm looking forward to hearing what steps you guys are taking now and I'm praying for you!
I think you're pretty awesome. You are compassionate and caring and honest. You're also human, and that means having ups and downs.

I think it is possible to be happy and still feel heartache.

I'm hoping your BFP comes soon!
andrea said…
knowing EXACTLY how you're feeling, understanding EXACTLY what you're talking about, and hoping ALONG WITH YOU that things work out EXACTLY the way you want them to.
This is an awesome post and kind of how I feel and probably most women in your situations. Thanks for sharing your story which helps people understand. You're an awesome person and this will all work out.
Molly said…
Your comments have always been very very nice and you only "e-know" me, lol! I can't imagine someone doing this with more tact than you. You seem like such a great person inside and out.

I must admit that I've had a hard time with this pregnancy. I'm struggling with depression and just want to be happy more than anything. I often think of those women who would do anything to be pregnant like me and that shuts me up pretty quickly!

Anyway, I'm sure your friends understand. But it's awfully nice of you to explain yourself. You've got one of the most positive spirits of any blog I read!
Sarah said…
What I adore the most about reading your blog is how you have put into words every single emotion/thought/etc that I had been feeling for two years. You made my thoughts more real.

I too thought of you when I announced my pregnancy on my blog. My heart hurt for you, but I was also excited for you to know because I was just one more long drawn out story of struggle that finally worked. I'm convinced that you will find your happy ending as well.

I've had "real" friends in all situations - some struggling like I was, and some not even trying at all, and some who tried but didn't have to try more than a few months. While deep down I was overly excited for ALL of them, it was much more difficult to hear the good news from the "I wasn't trying camp." And sometimes I wanted to scream that it wasn't me, and other times I cried from sheer joy for them.

When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I was overwhelmed. I was jealous. I was ecstatic. I was sad for me, I was happy for her. I was THRILLED that she didn't have to go through the struggles that I was going through. It's all a big bag of mixed, unpredictable emotions. I also hoped that she wasn't afraid to tell me, that thought almost hurts worse.

If virtual hugs work, I hope you accept mine. I wish you success VERY soon - and offer support whenever, if ever you want it.

HUGS
Quiet Oasis said…
I still think of you often (though I don't "know" you) and pray that one day I'll get to hear YOUR announcement. I keep waiting anxiously, actually. Hugs to you, my friend. :)
Allison said…
((HUGS)) Good for you for letting yourself feel whatever you need. I think of you and say prayers for you every single day. I hope you get your BFP soon.
Mrs. Hammer said…
I totally know how you feel. I've had about 18 announcements myself and then Hammer came home last night and said, "I think everyone in our state is pregnant except us!" And then he annouced #18 and it was a 'suprise' pregnancy to boot. I think I want to crawl into a whole until this announcement avalanch is over.
Hillary said…
I think every single one of us infertile can relate to that jumbled confusion of emotions. Well said.
Alyson said…
I was so worried to tell you about my pregnancy because I know how much you have struggled but, I should have known better. You and I have become such good friends and good friends share their ups and downs together no matter what that might be.

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