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focus

I know this seems sort of elementary and it's not because of the New Year that this statement has been made.  It's something that has been probably said a million times but because it's a New Year, you reflect on it differently.

"Instead of worrying about the things you can't control, focus on the things that you can."

It's a simple statement really.

It's something that I've (sorta) talked about before and it's somewhere that I need to keep bringing myself back to.



For me this statement means...

Let go of the fact that I'm not in control of what our plan is.  It's in God's hands and I need to let that be.

Let go of counting days and taking tests.  Although cycles can appear to be regular, they sometimes aren't and I have tested until I'm in tears and it's just not worth the pain.  I need to step away from the little card emotional rollar coasters and breath.

Let go of all the things that could be standing in our way.  Sure, there still isn't a medical reason (that they have found) for why we aren't becoming pregnant on our own.  But, whatever it is.  Whatever it might be.  However big or small.  We have to not worry.  Although, it's our (my husband and I's) goal and it's something that we'd like to be able to accomplish in the near future, we have to let it rest.  Put it away and say, we'll be ready, when you are.

Don't think about what I can't or don't have.

Be happy for the things that others have.  This is something that I've really struggled with lately.  It's not that I'm mad that their plan is happening for them or that God is sending their plan to them a little early.  It's just that sometimes my emotions get a little out of wack and I don't know how to just be happy for someone else's joy.  I haven't ever blusted out crying in front of someone that has just announced that they were expecting, however, usually when I'm alone, I feel the emotions take over and I can't bottle it up.

It doesn't mean forget about the journey you've taken to get to this point.  We've done a lot and we've worked hard to get to where we are.  It's also been a lot of money, time, emotions and effort.  In this time we've really grown as a couple and we've grown closer to one another.  Maybe that was part of God's plan and if it was, I'm grateful.

For the New Year, we had talked about our plans to go back to our RE for more procedures.  It's in the back of our minds still and we haven't forgotten but we just aren't ready to make that move yet.  We're taking this first part of the year to reflect.  To continue to lift Him up and remind ourselves what we're doing here.

It can be hard.  Much harder than I ever thought.  But once you reach that place, you are reminded of all the joys and love that will warm you when you are feeling cold, lost and lonely.

We're trying to find and keep the focus.

Comments

Julie said…
I hope that 2010 is the year for you! I can only imagine how hard it is to go through all you've gone through and then have to be happy for the people around you that it was so easy for. Best wishes to you for a great year!
Hillary said…
I love you perspective! Many blessings to you in 2010 :)
Elisabeth said…
Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best,
Elisabeth

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