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how i'm feeling?

Written: 4.6.09

Through the last couple of days, I've been trying to be more aware of what's going on with my body but also trying to not be TOO involved! It's hard when you know this 2ww is going to be torture but in the same breath you want it to fly by! Tomorrow (4.07.09) I have a progesterone test that will hopefully show high numbers, indicating that I did (in fact) ovulate.

How am I feeling? Good. No complaints. We had a busy weekend which was nice because I wasn't sitting around thinking about whether or not I'll get a positive hpt here soon. I was busy running around, I love those weekends.

Twinges or cramps happening? Just a few here and there. Honestly, I say that here but if I were to really sit and analyze it, I would probably say that it was because of the "Mocha Madness" or chocolate mocha Fiber One Bar I ate this morning. That will cause more twinges and cramps that anyone would like to experience. Not to mention the fact that I ate another Chocolate & Oats Fiber One bar for lunch too. Seriously, what was I thinking?!?!

Am I kissing testing and telling soon? No Comment. You have been told, just read the previous posts.

Written: 4.8.09

Today I feel more cramps. I feel pissy and I have this urge to just rip someone a new asshole. I'm not in the mood for any gloating about pregnancy's, talk about what someone else has that I don't have... I'm just not in a good mood.

I'm sitting here eating a clementine orange and a fiber one bar and I suddenly have the feeling like I could vomit. There's just this churning in my stomach that could just be a combination of a fiber one bar and the sauerkraut that I had last night. Ha! If you aren't laughing at me then you need to lighten up...

Updated(later in the day): I went to the bathroom, because I was uncomfortable, about 10 times in one hour. I couldn't tell what was going on and after I got a call from the RE's office, I realized very quickly what was going on. Not only was I being effected by the above mentioned food, but I was starting my period. Stronger than ever, I had back pain. Inevitably this means that the bitch is going to arrive at any moment.

After talking to the RE's nurse about my progesterone level being 2.1 (they want it around 12), I knew I had to leave work. I had to get out of here before I was forced to crawl out, because of the pain. What does 2.1 mean? It means that when on Tamoxifen for this month, in combination with the trigger shot, my body didn't react and ovulate the way they expected. Hence, I'm not pregnant, again.

I got home, changed my clothes, put on a pad, got the heating pad, took 3 maximum strength midols and I crashed. Just an hour nap and I was ready to rock out the chili. The rest of the evening was fine, until I reached about 1:49am and the pain was back. I was in the bathroom on the floor for about 20 minutes in the fetal position. Then I took 3 more maximum strength midols and I went back to bed, tossing and turning for about 45 minutes before I fell back asleep. Fun right? Well don't be sad for me, this is how every cycle goes, I just spare you these details.

Written: 4.9.09

It's 9:00am and I'm at work. The cramps have subsided and I'm looking forward to meeting with RE to see what fuck is going on!

I'm pissed.

I'm tired.


At this point, I'm beyond frustrated and I'm just hoping for some more answers.

I'll keep you posted with what my RE says and if I feel like it later, I'll post his solutions or next step suggestions.

Updated (10:19am):

I talked to the RE nurse and told her that I would be willing to give clomid another try. I did two cycles with my OB and it's been almost a year since that has happened. I had some fierce side effects but nothing I can't handle, especially since I know that my body reacts to it. So, we are going ahead with the clomid for a few cycles and another IUI or 2... depending on what my body does. Hopefully it's just one more but who knows at this point.

My appointment with my RE is cancelled now that he has cleared me to do clomid with the trigger shot this time around.

I've also requested to do the ultrasound later in my cycle since I don't typically ovulate until day 16, so hopefully and dominant follicle will show up this time around. Also, I have requested that MY dr. actually does the procedure instead of some other dr. that I don't even know, nor to I have a relationship with, nor do I feel confident or competent to do the procedure. There are details that I left off my 1st IUI Done post. Details that just upset me but hopefully will be changed for this time around!

So, that's all for now. I start Clomid on Saturday and I take it for 5 days. If you think I'm a bitch this week, then you'll be in for a surprise in the weeks following!

With that said, I'm leaving work to buy more maximum strength midol. Yippee!!!

Update, one more time (4.09.09 at 2:56pm)...

One thing I've learned, reluctantly through this whole process, is that you can't sit around and wait. Even though it seems like a good idea, you just can't. You have to be proactive. Even when it's the end of the "world" and you "hate" life as you know it, you have to keep going. You have to just suck it up, cuss your way through it, kicking and scream and JUST DO IT! It's like Nike... you "just do it" even though it sucks. Eventually, I'll get what I'm searching, dreaming and hoping for but I just have to keep cranking through until it's my time.

It blows.

I hate it.

But I have to keep going. I have to.

The next step sucks and I WILL be a raging bitch, but if my body responds (and I know that it will on clomid) then I HAVE to do it. I can't not at this point. I've come to far.

The new chant for this month: "two and thru"... go on ladies, chant it out!


Liz said…
:( I was really hoping and praying that this was going to be it for you. I kept reading and thinking "this is it!!" I'm so sorry...I know that doesn't begin to cut it, but I'm thinking of you and hoping that one of these days it WILL be your turn. You deserve it.
Allison said…
Just fucking sucks, Jill. I'm so so sorry and hope that Clomid does the trick for you. I hope you can find some combination of drugs that will help you ovulate and get you to be able to conceive the baby you've been dreaming of. You're always in my prayers and thoughts--let me know if there's anything I can do.
mrs.leah.maria said…
I'm so sorry as well. There isn't much else.

I'm chanting with you!
Alyson said…
I'm so sorry! Please let me know if you need anything. I'm here if you want to vent or talk.
Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry.

Hug, hug, hug, hug.

I'm keeping everything crossed that the clomid does the trick.
Danica Lynn said…
I'm so sorry. I wish I had great advice but all I can do is tell you I'm here for you. I'm your eternal cheerleader. It will happen. HUGS HUGS
Whitney said…
We are back in the country, and I'm catching up... It's all been said at this point, but UGH!!! I'm so sorry, too. Here if you need anything...

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