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i hate her

Aunt flow arrived on Friday/Saturday early morning.

She hates me and I hate her. We are both okay with it but I wish she would just leave me alone! I would be okay with 9 months without her but who are we kidding.

She always brings me so many emotions and usually leaves me with them too. Today and this weekend were really rough. I didn't have a good time and I'm still a little off.

Unfortunately this is just another cycle that has really hit me hard. I have the same result that I've had during the last 25 cycles. It doesn't get any easier to deal with, it's just what it is... I can tell that it's hurting our relationship and that really sucks. And if this next cycle doesn't give us any results, then we are going to go back to the doctor in the new year. It's just not working on our own. I'm not sure why and the doctors haven't been able to tell us why either. The unknown I thought I was okay with but lately it's just so nerve racking. I just don't get it! Why does it work for others and not us?

I'm really down on myself because it's not working. Part of that has to do with af and all of the emotions she brings to me, as well as the lack of success. It's just hard. Somedays it's harder than others and those days suck. Especially when they are clustered together...

For those who haven't struggled with becoming pregnant, you just won't understand the pain and suffering that those of us that have struggled have felt. It starts with an blaming (something must be wrong) and works it's way around to confusion, pain, regret, suffering and apologies: What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? Is it genetic? Can we fix this? How much will it cost? Can we afford it? Will it even work? Why can it happen for others without a thought? Have you tried taking your temperature? Are you charting? Have you taken prenatals? Have you tried this? Have you tried this? What about this? I really want a baby. Well we are doing everything we can without spending too much money. When are you fertile again? When can we try? What does the doctor say? Why isn't it working? What else can we try? Is there something I'm missing? What if we just go back to the doctor?

It's endless.

We will conquer this, we will. Even if it means going back to ORM (Ohio Reproductive Medicine) and doing the blood tests, the thyroid test (again) and the multiple other things that they want us to do... We will end up pregnant. We will. Not in 2008 but hopefully in 2009.

It's just another hard day. I'll be okay, I always am.


I'm sorry sweetie. **hugs**
JJ said…
You WILL conquer it...some days it seems a million miles away, but you will. Im sorry for the hard day-hoping tomorrow is lots better...
The Wright's said…
I am so sorry. You're WILL conquer this. One thing's for sure, your baby will be one lucky little guy with a very optimistic mommy! I appreciate that you can always be positive and optimistic...I know that is so very hard sometimes.

Here's hoping for 2009.

christina from
Abigail said…
Keep your spirits up, Jill! Your tiny miracle will likely happen when you least expect it.

We are thinking about you.
Ms. Bee said…
I understand. Doing it on our own after a clean bill of health from the doctor took 4 years. I took a supplement called FertileAid that I got from I don't recommend going it alone for that long. It was too awful watching everyone around us get pregnant.
Danica Lynn said…
I feel your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts for the new year...for answers..for a baby...for peace. HUGS
tbonegrl said…
I am praying this will be your year! Even if ORM means hope and a plan, I say go for it!

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