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thankful...

Blogging for me has been a really nice addition to my day to day life. It gives me an outlet to vent my frustrations and feelings about our fertility issues and through other blogs, find that I’m not alone. However, over the past week I have read some of my blogs on my google reader and have felt as though, I shouldn’t base my entire blog around what we aren’t able to accomplish, but rather what we are. My focus, according to the blog title and html is that we are anxiously awaiting a pregnancy, period. Although that is a goal, it’s not the only thing that we are trying to achieve, together, in our relationship.

Many people throughout the last 24 months have naively told me to just take a step away from the situation and let it happen. Stop worrying about it and it should just work. That maybe I’m spending too much time thinking about it and I should stop. That I want this too bad that if I would just give it a break… If you aren’t trying and you think that this is (just that) easy, you are nuts! It doesn’t just happen. At the point that we are in this process and the steps that we’ve taken to get here, it’s not that easy to just put it on the back burner.

For those of us that are trying and not having success, walking away from what we want the most in life seems impossible. Looking at infertility, no matter what kind you might be facing, the emotions that you experience, (at least for me) are sort of like mourning a death.

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”

I like to think that at this point, I’m at the point of “acceptance” with the ability to change back into “depression” at any point. I find myself falling backward less and less these past few months. It’s been a good couple of months and I’m trying to stay positive and aggressive at the same time. I will become pregnant. It’s just not my time yet.

This brings me to another blog that I think also displays a good visual for infertility emotions… Jill at Desperately Seeking Spawn wrote about a question that was on the MSN board about relating music to stages of IVF. This played a little on my heart because, I love music. I’m constantly picking the words to songs that I hear and relating them to things that are going on in my life. There are several different songs that will bring me right back to a particular moment in my life, just by simply hearing a song. Just to give you a few examples that we can all relate to… Otis Redding’s, “I’ve Been Loving You” brings me right back to the moment of my husband and I dancing to this song for our first dance at our wedding reception; the song “Freshman” by The Verve Pipe, reminds me of my freshman year of high school; and the song "Fix You” by Coldplay always brings me back to all of the struggles that my husband and I have had throughout this whole experience. Music has always played a big role in my life. It’s always something that I enjoy and I don’t discriminate.

So, after reading through Rachael & Melissa’s NEW blog “Me vs. You” , it allowed me to step back and really look at our diagnosis, “unexplained infertility”. It reminded me of all the things that truly ground me, like music, my family, friends, everyday items that we all forget about, as well as the thing that should bring me back to square one. Looking at these things has allowed me to see what exactly is going on in my relationship and my life with my husband and the things that I should be most grateful for above all.

The most important thing of all is something that I knew was in the depths of my chemistry. It’s something that I grew up believing in and still do. It’s something that I’ve grown apart from throughout the last few years and it’s something that I need as a part of my life and my relationship.

So, what is it?



God.



I typically don’t like to talk about religious beliefs or comment on them but, I am a Christian and I need my relationship with God. So I’m taking Rachael & Melissa’s advice and I’m looking at my life and all of the things that I don’t deserve and all the things that I am very much grateful and thankful for… all the things that I should hold way above the fact that I’m not pregnant.

First and foremost, I’m thankful for my family. My parents, my siblings, my husband, my in-laws, aunts, uncle and cousins. Although my distant family is not as close as we could or used to be, we are still a family and we are always there for one another. At any point I could pick up the phone and call any of them and they would take my call. They would want to know more about what’s going on and they would be interested in catching up even though it’s not necessarily on the top of their list. There are many families out there that don’t have that sort of relationship and would never know what that love and support feels like, so for that, I’m very grateful. My immediate family it tight. We do family functions together monthly if not every other week. We talk to each other all the time and we all live close together which allows us all to spend time together. It’s amazing how much you depend on your family. They are there to hold your hand through any circumstance and they always do!

I’m thankful for my husband that I don’t deserve. He stands behind me and supports no matter what. He (on occasion) thinks that I’m a little loopy and that I’m losing it which he can spot easily and he will help grab me out of the clouds and bring me back down to earth. He stays so very positive through our fertility issues and helps me stay positive and calm as well. He loves me unconditionally and that is something more than what I could ever ask for, he’s my rock.

I’m thankful for my friends. New friends, old friends, blogging friends, nestie friends, distant friends, local friends and everyone else in-between. If it weren’t for you to allow me to lean on you from time to time, I don’t know where I would be.

I’m thankful for my beautiful home.

Our two cars that run. They aren’t anything special but they get us where we need to be.

I’m thankful for my job, my husband’s job and to our employers.

I’m thankful for our animals. I’m thankful that they get along, that we are able to support them and care for them.

All things that I don’t deserve but I’m lucky and privileged to have and own.

I’m thankful the internet, computers, printers, soft keyboards, cordless mice, and zip drives.

I’m thankful for freeways, country roads, and one way streets.

I’m thankful for carpet, washing machines, dish washers, running water, and steak knives.

I’m thankful for our warm comfy bed, our ceiling fan, our double sink vanity, and for my Nikon digital camera.

I’m thankful for my clothes, t.v., shoes, stairs, coats, cell phones, and blenders.

I’m thankful for all things that have come into my life temporarily or that have come and are here to stay.

I’m thankful and grateful for my life.

In closing, I would like to wrap up by saying, I haven’t forgotten my roots, my beliefs and my surroundings. I haven’t forgotten to remember those things and be grateful for them. However, I have been wrapped up in trying to over-come “unexplained infertility” and in the mean time I feel as though it appears that we (or I) have a one track mind. In effort to show you that this is not the case, I’m going to try and be a little more diligent about posting more life related posts verses always IF or TTC related posts.




Stay tuned for what’s to come…







P.S. Thank you for your constant support!






Comments

Kristal said…
GREAT post. I really enjoyed reading it.
Allison said…
That was a beautiful post. Thank you so much for it--you've inspired me to post the same sort of thing...because it's isn't always all about making that baby--it's about so much more than that. This WILL happen!!!
TLC said…
a very lovely post. i think people often forget to be thankful for things and i think that listing them like that is a good way to remember!

thank you for sharing it with us!
G+D said…
This was such a beautiful post. Best wishes to you in all the future will bring!
Dre said…
How funny, I was actually just thinking about Jill's music post as well this weekend, and how I have another one to add to the IF "soundtrack," albeit an odd choice... Frank Sinatra's I've Got You Under My Skin (although I like Michael Buble's version more, I think). Even thought it is about a relationship, my mind has twisted it to be a song to my potential baby...and how negative thoughts creep in telling me it is not going to work but hope wins out in the end. Every month. Despite the repeated bfns. Sorry for the rambling, first-time post, but I couldn't resist, having been thinking about the IF soundtrack post all weekend. I love the rest of your post, because I am guilty of forgetting how much I have to be thankful for.
t.w.i.t. said…
I love this post and it makes me even more thankful that I can call you my friend.

I can't wait to go to church with you!
Quiet Oasis said…
What a beautiful post. I think you are right to place God back into your life. He doesn't promise everything will be easy.... but He will provide the peace and joy that you need to get through this. You will be in my prayers for your fertility. For sure. --Kristy

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