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This is something that I don't like to talk about. I don't even bring it up with my dh much because it's just frustrating and upsetting to me. During my drive into work this morning, I decided that I needed to talk about it (or at least bring it to the table). I was tossing around starting another private blog just for this topic but after some thought I figured it would just be easier to be here also. It's my life, my blog, so I'm just going to just do it here.

For some time now, I've slowly but surely put on some weight. I used to tell myself that it was because of my dh. I met him when I was 19 and I hardly was feeding myself at that point (meaning I was still living at home eating my mom's dinners, not buying my own). He had his own place full of goodies but he was also a 6'4'' male that could eat those goodies and not really feel a fluctuation in weight. Me, however, felt a huge wave. In the first couple years of our relationship, I went from my high school/college weight of 135/140 to 160. When we got married I was still at 160. At that point I was okay with it but not happy. Everyone gains weight after they enter the "real world" and I was just trying to taking it in stride. After 4 years of marriage, I'm now approaching the 175/180 mark (yikes). Seriously, something that I thought I would never share out loud nor did I think I would reach without baring a child. I'm aware of this change, my dh has made comments and my family too. I realize that it's an issue however, I don't know how to change it. I mean, I'm not clueless, I just can't stick to something and wait for the change. If I don't see immediate results then I get depressed, frustrated and I let it pass me by. My dh and I have tried a handful of "diets", we've tried "eating right", exercising and at one point I did joined the Y to participate in their classes. All things that I'm sure would work after time but I get bored or frustrated and I move on.

Today I've hit a new low. I understand that this is a problem and in order to have a successful pregnancy (when that happens) or life, eating the way that I am and not exercising will only end in disaster. If I think years of not eating right and only eating what I want is going to end once I become pregnant, I've got a new thing coming. Seriously, I would be crazy to think that.

Some days, I brush it off. I think, well I've eaten well this week, I can eat this brownie, bowl of ice cream (or two), this second or third helping, and a beer does sound really good. Some times at dinner, I just can't stop eating the bread! Piece after piece and in the end, I'm overly full. Some days, I lead myself to believe that I've worked out. Like this weekend, I walked 15 to 20 blocks in the 75 degree heat & humidity. It was gross, I was sweaty and it wasn't really a work out but I tell myself that so that I don't have to do anything when I get home. These are the moments that I know are kicking me in the butt. I'm giving myself way too much credit for something that I'm NOT doing! It's really getting old and I'm watching myself suffer because of it.

For a while I was working out at the Y. I went to Yoga, Cycling, Zumba, and Kick boxing. I didn't do them regularly enough to make a difference. It felt good to be there and to be working out but in the end I really wasn't doing myself any good. I couldn't get into a pattern and some weeks I wouldn't go at all. So to help myself out, I bought a Yoga mat for home and some free weights thinking that if I couldn't make it to a class that I would just do it at home to a video. I've done Yoga twice at home and I've lifted 3 times. It's been a month. That's pathetic.

So this morning, I came up with a plan. I'm not sure that it will work but I thought that I would try. Anything at this point is better than nothing, right?

First, I thought, I need to just get this off my chest. I need to tell the blogosphere what's really going on. I need to disclose my personal struggle on a post no matter how embarrassing. I'm not the only one who has ever struggled with this!

Second, I need to start a log or weekly/daily entry of my intake. I need to focus on what I'm actually eating and from there decide what needs to be eliminated. I need to read what I'm eating and pay closer attention to the portions or helpings. Keeping a log will make it very noticeable.

Once I'm able to achieve that, I will gradually start adding my exercise regimen into it as well. This might happen quicker that I think but I wanted to give myself some lag time in case it wasn't immediate.

From there, I hope to see results. I will have the support of the blogosphere and the pressure to post so that there aren't days missed. Missing days will allow me to fall back into my old ways and that is not where I want to be.

Along with giving this "trying" thing a true shot, I'm going to be getting my weight under control too. It's a new month. I realize that this is kind of like a New Year's resolution thing, but I'm just a few months behind. I'm going to try and again, at this point anything is better than nothing. I'm hoping for a huge send off as I climb out of the downward spiral that I've put myself in for the last 8 or so years.

Starting today (7/14/08) off right:

Breakfast: Kashi TLC Cherry Dark Chocolate granola bar

Mid Morning: 2 big cups of water

Lunch: Taco salad, 6 chips with melted cheese = nachos, & water

Dinner: 2 pieces of quiche, three pieces of an apple and a glass of water

Exercises: Walk around the neighborhood with Toby & dh. Lifted with dh at home.

After dinner snack: 3 bites of an ice cream sundae

Today was a good day! Let's hope I can continue it throughout the next few weeks or months!!!

Comments

SAHW said…
Good for you for making a plan. I'm having the same struggles...I never thought I'd weigh this much unless I was pregnant...which I'm not. :(
For me, I know what to do, but it's doing it...and moments of depression, or feeling sad, or being overwhelmed, I just give in and let myself eat...I haven't figured out how to control this yet...
hopeful #1 said…
I'm totally a stress eater too. I crave salt & chocolate. Two things that I should probably do without in order to help with my weight loss. We'll see... ugh! So far so good!
Allison said…
You can absolutely do this!!!! If you ever need any sort of support/help/whatever, let me know--I've been in the struggle for years and it's absolutely the hardest thing to do--but you can if you put your mind to it!
freckleface said…
Awww! You are not alone in this! Refer to one of my first posts. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with weight. I was just looking at my muffin top today thinking that I should just get a tummy tuck because that is the easy way out. There are some days I just can't do pilates or my elliptical. I try to do something every day. Even if its just doing some squats and crunches while watching tv. As far as food goes I hate to say it but I gave up all the things I love. No Soda, chips, ice cream, candy etc etc. I stay away from processed food and high fructose corn syrup. I eat grilled chicken and veggies for dinner (no bread or potatoes) and for lunch I eat organic yogurt with berries and granola and a wedge of laughing cow cheese and 5 tricuts, and for breakfast I eat egg white omlet or kashi cereal with organic milk. Sounds boring I know. The trick is that I allow myself a treat once a week. Be it ONE soda, chocolate covered raisins or two scoops of ice cream. That way I am not being deprived.
Sorry about the lenghty comment. I feel your pain!! Just know that you are not alone. This is a daily struggle for many! It takes a lot of courage to write what you did. Stay positive!
Just Me. said…
I am gonna enlighten you on my story. I love food and my weight has increased tremendously over the years. Like you, lately, i have been thinking about losing some weight, since, obviously, we're not having much luck in the baby department!! and since after my operation when i had to remove my endo and what's not, i lost a bit of weight, only to put on lately again. so your post is very timely cuz i have been thinking what can i do to lose weight? i thought a WIIFIT would be good but damned, it's about $550, with the console and what's not..that's out of the question now since ivf is just looming around the corner. so, i've started walking again, and really watching what i eat...we'll see how long i can keep up with this.

Anyway, good that you wrote this. Hit me just right when i am having the EXACT same emotions. Thanks for writing this.

Oh my, I'm rambling... sorry!
TLC said…
i think this is an issue for more of us out here than we realize!

i too feel your pain. i gained weight after meeting my DH and didn't lose any before my first baby. obviously i gained weight during that pregnancy, but i did lose some afterward. but i still weighed 20 lbs more than i was when i got married. after baby #2....well, let's just say i weigh 30 lbs more than i did when i got married 6 years ago.

and it's a struggle to lose it. it's not like i'm noshing on ice cream every night - i try to not eat at night at all. i drink lots of water every day. try to avoid too much sugar, eat breakfast (usually fruit), etc. however, w/ 2 kids it's hard to find the time/energy to exercise and therein lies my problem. if i could get my butt moving i think i'd lose some weight.

so...i think you're going about this the right way. writing everything down, keeping a record. they said on the news that keeping a food journal is THE way to lose weight.

and so...good luck!
The Jen said…
My weight has been my biggest demon for my entire life. I know EXACTLY how you feel, trust me. Just try to stay positive and avoid comfort eating! I do that all the time. Get sad, go to dairy queen, lol.

love ya lots, you can do it!
MP1648 said…
Hi there - I just found your blog and I have related to just about everything - especially the weight creep! I was about 145 in high school, quit smoking five years ago and reached an jaw-dropping 205 pounds! I lost fifty pounds and got down to 155. The creeping started right before IVF - I reached about 162. I had a miscarriage from IVF #1 and I am now hovering just under 170 most days. I am 5'8" so it is able to spread itself out... I eat well for a day or two and then eat horribly. We are moving on to IVF#2 on Sept. 2 (lupron starts) and I really hope to get pregnant. I keep telling myself that I have been over 200 pounds before so I can certainly do it for a little bambino!!! Good luck!

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