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depressing

That's how today was. I went into it thinking that it would be alright, if not better than alright. I had just gotten back from vacation and although my job depends on my daily, if not hourly and when I'm not there things pile up. They don't go away. So the start of my day was a million emails and all sorts of reports/projects that needed to be done while I was out.

Around lunch time, I started to get things under control and then before I knew it, ever time I went to do something it wasn't working or it needed to be corrected before I could proceed. It was really time consuming and it wasn't much fun. It didn't make for a smooth day. I'm hopefully going to go in tomorrow a little earlier so that I can have some peace and quite to get some things done without interruption.

Aside from that, aunt flow has really got me down this month. Not that this month is any different than the other months but it's just a massive weight that keeps getting piled onto my shoulders. I have some people that I talk to that have been going through these things but I don't really know them. My close girl friends are all supportive, as I would expect, but it's hard when there isn't a solid explanation for our problem. Therefore it makes it difficult for people to compare stories thus making me feel more and more alone in my challenge.

Unexplained fertility, can kiss my butt.

I'm done.

I'm tired of not having an answer.

I need to know what I can do. I need to know what we aren't doing right. I need to know that what we have actually works and we really can produce a child on our own. I need some answers and if my OB can't give them to me, I'm going elsewhere. My OB has been great but she's just not moving at the same pace as me. I know that I asked for a break but I feel like in the back of our mind, there should still be a plan in place. I told my OB that I do not want to go back on Clomid, as I do believe it made me crazier than normal. I was constantly counting the days, worrying about what was coming next and when the 2ww hit, I felt like I was minutes away from being admitted. Aside from those things, I had cramps and sore bbs that were just unbearable.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's really depressing. It's not fun. I hate the way that I feel. I hate that I don't have any control over the final product. I have been trying to have a positive out look on what's going to happen and some days are harder than others.

Today is a hard day.

It's hard not having my dh here to comfort me. We have been talking about it over the phone and through text but it's difficult because he doesn't have much free time while on the trip.

It will be okay but it's still hard.

Comments

SAHW said…
Some days are just harder than others...sorry today is a rough day for you. I'm getting worried that we may have unexplained IF too, but I'll be finding out for sure tomorrow. I know the unexplained factor is tough - you're happy there's no specific problem, but then there's nothing specific to "fix" either. IF is tough. Hang in there. {hugs}
Two Pretzels said…
Oh I'm so sorry. I'm sosorry. I know these days, too - and sometimes it just seems so, so, so much more than you can bear. While I have no words for you, do know that I'm feeling for you. I understand. I completely encourage you to find an GYN who moves at your pace. Maybe that will help you feel better? Perhaps if you feel like you're making strides in the Dr. department, overall you'll feel a bit better?

Take a deep breath. Tomorrow's a new day.
Jen said…
I'm sorry you are down. I think unexplained infertility is the most frustrating and you have every right to be upset!

Are you seeing an RE? My OB/GYN told me that to get pregnant, I just needed to "light some candles, relax, and let it happen." Douche. An RE specializes in creating babies, not delivering them, and it is so much easier to discuss the issue with an RE. (forgive me if you're already seeing one.)
Sharon said…
Hi there from NCLM! Sorry to hear that you are having a rough month! I haven't read your entire blog but don't give up! Take a break of you need too...and then take 'baby' steps...and believe that the answer IS out there!

Hugs
Sharon
Jill Marie said…
I can't say that I completely relate, but I love that you are venting and not just letting it fester inside. Although It has only been a couple of months of me trying I also feel a loss of hope. I have always been easily impregnated. But this time it just isn't happening:(

Just know that you have people here for you any time you want to just let it out.
Kim said…
(((HUGS))) so sorry you are having a rough day. Hope things get better soon and you can get a plan in place for the future. NCLM
erinann said…
I so wish I had some magical words to help. I don't. I am here if you want to talk.
DC said…
I'm so sorry. *hugs* I'm all too familiar with the despair and uncertainty that goes along with "unexplained infertility."

I hope your hubby gets home soon.

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