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Kobacker House

My mom was moved the Kobacker house last week.
For those of you unfamiliar, it's a place where folks go for 24 hour hospice care. It's usually the place for where folks go for the end of their journey. 
To say it's beautiful and therapeutic, is an understatement.
It's built on a wet lands in the middle of Columbus, Ohio and it's seriously amazing. The structure of the building is like a resort, each room has a private patio and huge space for family to come and visit and eat and just take it all in. 
It's quiet. It's peaceful.
It has walking paths near by, gardens around the whole place, fountains, fresh flowers, and all sorts of things to help you remember that you can find peace during this terrible time.
Folks are coming and going all the time. Some folks you might only see once or twice. Some you might see all week long. You just don't know.
But, like I mentioned in my last post. My mom isn't going to call this the end of her road here. She'…
Recent posts

Starting here..

I know that I haven't really updated this in a long while. I apologize. In the moments it was hard enough to survive, let alone write about it or find time to write about it.

With that said, I've told people over and over again that I'm going to write again, just not sure where to start.
So, today, I'm starting here.
My mom is terminal.  
Words that I cannot believe have to leave my mouth or my fingers.
She's been battling Ovarian Cancer for well over 10 years and this last year or 8 months+ have been just the worst.  Her body is being consumed by cancer and with every day that passes we are just another closer to losing her.
She's fought this whole time and continues to beat the odds that the doctors have placed before her. She's set goals and surpassed them and when the doctors say something, it's like she mentally tells herself that it's just NOT going to happen and she flies by those measurable items.
She's been a rock star and I have known …

that nightmare

Time is passing and permanent/next step decisions AREN'T being made about where our marriage is going.

Not because of anything other than HOPE....

Hope that these changes are real.  I can't deal with an act anymore.  I'm done with those fake attempts.  It just won't work for me.  I can't.

Hope that he really wants to change.  Because he's the only one that can make that decision for himself and not anyone else.

Hope that a new normal is really a possible option.  And not just a glimmer of something that will eventually be shattered and destroyed.

Hope that we could work through all of this and actually land on our feet.  But he has to want to do those things and my guidance won't help him.  He's got to want to do them on his own.  I can't help or ask or guide.  He has to do it.  Alone and with the help of God.

Hope that the narcissistic behaviors are being dealt with in positive ways and won't resurface.  With the help of prayer, guidance from h…

Acceptance

This time, I was the one that finally said...

I want a divorce.

I called it.

I'm done.

At first, it was always a battle of who was going to call it and hurt the other person more.  Over time, it didn't come as such a blow because I knew that in reality, what we were doing wasn't fair to anyone.  I knew that at some point, we were going to just have to get off the pot.  The "shitting" had already been done and no one thing was going to change that over night or over the course of a lifetime...

Even though I've been the final hammer, I'm okay with this.  It's what's best for our family, it's what's best for our kids and if I have to live a life of lies and pain for the rest of my life, I might explode.

It's not easy lying your whole life, waiting for the day to come when you don't have to tell someone how you met or what you've been hiding or what you've done... When you can just lay it all our there, be forgiven and move …

YOU lied.

Oh, the night that my husband was unreachable until 4am.   Only to become aware of my worrying about him because I was blowing up his phone with the "find my iphone" app.  Not because he cared to tell me what was going on.  

Timeline references: This was about 7 months following his father's death, 3 years and 4 months after our son was born, and 1 year and  2 months after our daughter was born.

This was also 5 months before I found NUMEROUS online profiles and personal ads online and told him to leave and be done with this bull shit, and 10 months before he had an affair with a young adult.

Another side note: He's called me a child for years and has made so many different references about marrying an adult but rather a child.  He also has little to no respect for me or our marriage and hasn't from day one.  Tough stuff but real life.

I'm being vulnerable and telling you these things with the knowledge that criticism, judgement and an attack of some kind could un…

Grief

Before I get too deep into what I'm about to talk about, I want you to listen to this: Brene Brown on Vulnerability

Now, about grief.  I've talked about this before, when we were going through infertility treatments and failed attempts at starting our family.  Crazy to think that I'm thinking about these same things again, but in a much different light this time.

The internet says that there are about 5 steps to grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Throughout the loss of my marriage and friendship with my husband, I've experienced all of these phases. And numerous times, at that.

Let me explain...

1. Denial that I these things were really happening and that I would have to become more parent like every day, waiting for the next move or the next problem.  Denial that the person I married was doing these things to me.  Denial that these things could and would happen in a marriage.  Denial that he couldn't see it any other way.  Denial t…

Unveiling Lies

When my husband and I met, we told our family and friends that we met through a mutual friend.  Someone connected to church but also had a connection to a school friend.  We lied.  We lied because at the time, we had met online.  But not the kind of online that people use today.  It was over the phone.  A relationship dating telephone line.

Embarrassing, sure.  Just admitting that now, makes me think... here it comes.  Judgement, opinions, comments, etc... And for those of you (maybe) reading this for the first time, on here, I'm really sorry.  We lied and continued to lie and I'm just done lying.  I know it's a blow, but I can't lie anymore.  I can't.

We dated, for what seemed like, a really long time.  Almost 3 years, when you look back at it.  We dated for almost 1.5 years and then we were engaged for almost 1.5 years, too.

When I think back about that time, I get mad and frustrated because there were so many things wrong with how our relationship started and ho…